tired and grumpy

Had trouble sleeping last night. I don't know what the heck I was doing but my left arm went to sleep -- I think I was leaning on it while web-surfing or something? Anyway, it wouldn't wake up and it was really uncomfortable. That put me in mind of hypoparathyroidism, because my hands and feet had all fallen asleep on the massage table earlier in the day, which was just weird, and I couldn't remember that happening before.

Hypoparathyroidism is a condition where your parathyroid glands kick out, and fail to regulate the calcium levels in your blood. The main symptom is that your hands and feet, and sometimes your cheeks and face, feel numb and tingly. The parathyroids are sometimes damaged or shocked by thyroidectomy (the surgery I had), but mine were fine right afterwards... so then I started wondering, did the RAI knock the parathyroids for a loop? What if the cancer had invaded the parathyroids and now they are going out? And the brain started spinning out that scenario...

Treatment for hypoparathyroidism is basically supplementation with calcium (my surgeon: "If you feel a little tingling, chew a couple of Tums and it will subside,"), but of course we don't have anything like Tums in the house. Why? I have no idea, but probably because neither DH nor I ever have heartburn or indigestion because we eat low carb. (DH had a major problem with heartburn before we went LC, and will still have a problem if he over-indulges on higher carb stuff.) Anyway, I freaked myself out sufficiently that I couldn't sleep. I did take a cal/mag/zinc tablet before bed and after a while it did seem to help, and I finally drifted off.

I woke up several times overnight, though -- at one point, my right arm was dead asleep, another time it was my left, it was just so weird... and just now I'm realizing that I have to do something because both my feet are getting that weird numb/tingling sensation. I think I'll have to call the dr about it on Monday and see what they say. I did a web search today and there was a mention of RAI increasing the risk of hypoparathyroidism, but only as part of an anti-RAI posting, not anything I would consider reputable. I should stop freaking about it... I was probably just sleeping all twisted up, as I sometimes do.

I took DS2 up to McCormick RR Park for a birthday party today, and he had a good time. It was nice because it was short: a few games, cake and ice cream, opening presents, a train ride, a carousel ride, then time to go. That was about all I had energy for... it literally exhausted me, and it was only about an hour and half altogether, although I did have to drive up to Scottsdale (about 25-30 minutes), and then of course home again.

My friend who gave the party for her son commented that I looked good... eh. She and her husband both asked me, at separate times, how I was doing, and I always answer either, "I'm doing OK," or "I'm hanging in there," something non-committally positive. I have no desire to go into the details with these people. She made a comment on the phone the other day, "Well, at least they caught it early," and I had to disabuse her of that notion: no, they didn't; they opened up my neck and it was a freakin' mess in there -- cancer everywhere. Totally unexpected. Of course she was taken aback by that, but I really just didn't want to let that one go, and I guess I hadn't talked to her about it in any detail since the surgery. That is no surprise because most of the time when we talk, it's her talking and me being a sounding board. That's OK, it minimizes my stress.

So this afternoon DH took the 3 kids to the park to run around and ride bikes and what-not, and I did my web crawl and looked up RAI some more and staging some more and figured out my staging as much as I could without knowing if there are distant metastases or not, which, it turns out, does make a big difference even if it is just papillary cancer. I won't know until Friday and have to just try not to think about it in the meantime.

DS1 and I went to Mass and I was so grateful that it was not a long service, as I was exhausted before we even left. Then when we got home we all piled into the van and went to Elephant Bar for dinner, which just got on my last nerve. The kids were fine, really, but I am just tired, and grumpy as a result. Too many busy days and a bad night's sleep will do that, never mind having all the cancer stuff to deal with on top of it. I had my usual which didn't thrill me. I don't know whether it's the difference between Saturday night service vs the less busy times when we usually go out, or if it's just that my tastebuds are still altered from the RAI, but where I've really enjoyed it in the past, tonight it was just OK, nothing I'd go back for. The kids loved their sundaes, as usual, though.

It's funny because I intellectually know that there was nothing really wrong, I just didn't enjoy it because I was so drained. Isn't it horrid how we see everything through the prism of our own miseries? It does help to realize that's what's happening, but it's not so easy to snap out of it, regardless.