all at once

Well, the wind has quite been knocked out of my sails.

I just popped in, as I always do when I first get online, to the writer's forum I have been participating in for the last 5 years. It was originally a forum for writers on Epinions.com, but that fell by the wayside years ago, and I don't know if any of the writers there now post at "Eps" any more -- I haven't in years. Anyway, our proprietor announced today that he's shutting the place down on November 30.

***sigh***

It was my absolute favorite online hangout, because even if people did occasionally wig out, everyone, and I mean everyone, respected everyone else in there. I can only recall a few times when I even went so far as to lift an eyebrow at what someone said, and only one time where I thought that someone had crossed the line of civility. ONE TIME. In over five years, which, in online terms, is about equal to eternity. One time. Every other online community aspires to the greatness displayed there. Few if any can ever achieve it. Membership was by invitation only; access is password protected. Everyone knew to play nice or they'd be kicked out. That is not to say that people didn't speak their minds or froth at the mouth occasionally, because that did happen -- but it didn't happen via personal attacks. At least, not in personal attacks on people who were also posting there. Some pretty horrible things were said with great regularity about the people who were running Epinions, but those people were doing some really bad things: most egregiously, screwing over the writers who made the site possible. They're still doing all those same bad things, and I discourage anyone from writing there.

You want to write for free, get a blog -- then the content will be yours and there will be no questions about it.

So today now has a confluence-of-events tinge to it, where I feel as if I am standing in the midst of a maelstrom of events that just keeps pulling more and more stuff into it. First it was just me and my health, but now my online life will be changed in a way that makes me sad. I didn't spend huge swaths of time there, just enough to keep tabs on everyone, and keep them up to date on me, and congrat everyone on their successes... shoot shoot shoot.

This is exactly what it felt like when Mick left the Wursthaus in Harvard Square some 15 years ago, thereby forever cancelling a long-standing Thursday night date and disbanding the motley group of people, bar-friends, that only existed because of Mick.

Life is change
how it differs from the rocks
-- Jefferson Airplane

(but is sure can be hard like rocks, when those changes come)

Mom's leaving in the morning.

I feel pretty good today. I made myself a bigger lunch and had a light dinner, and am not feeling so hungry.
breakfast: 2 muffins, black coffee(!!!)
lunch: leftover steak sauteed with red,yellow, and orange steamed peppers, green beans in garlic/ginger/red pepper flakes, sesame oil, kosher salt, black pepper -- I forgot the Splenda, it would've helped, but it was really, really good...and huge!
snack: Fuji apple
dinner: tall cup of chicken broth (Mom made, mmmm), chicken thigh, two thin slices of Italian bread with olive oil, salt, pepper

Hands: a little cranky this morning (3), hip joint was also stiff (3), but am fine now; weather seems to have cleared out
Itching is a lot better today, too, since I smeared on tons of cortisone cream after my shower last night -- I wonder if that's why I did better today? A tiny boost to the adrenals? Man, I hope they can hold out until I go for the RAI...
My glands under my chin (salivary? lymph? both?) are swollen and a bit tender. Don't know if that's that aftermath of surgery or what, but they seem to be getting worse, not better.

Called the endo this morning to ask what I'm supposed to do this week, and of course have heard nothing back. Grrrrrrr. No referral. No lab orders, nada. I feel calling up again and saying, "Hello, people? I have cancer, could you please throw me a bone here and let me know, at least, what the process is?"

See, now I'm feeling lucid, whereas earlier I was feeling brain-fogged. But with Mom leaving I have an even more vivid sense of having to keep it together as long as possible, and right now? Doesn't feel like that much of an effort. Earlier today, I was beat, but for some reason I'm OK now (and it's too early for the adrenal fatigue late-night cortisol boost -- I think).

The vet called this morning and we discussed what's going on with Rosie. Both he and I suspect she has inflammatory bowel disease, but I told him point-blank I have to deal with my cancer first, and we would call him if her condition deterioates. I love my cat but I see no reason to put her through a $400 procedure (upper intestinal biopsy) to get the "definitive" diagnosis. She's like me in many respects: it's hard to figure out what the heck is really going on with her. But she's a cat, too. She seems to be responding pretty well to the prednisone, but it hasn't uniformly cured her bowel condition. I really don't think she has IBD. I think she's a nervous cat and there have been a lot of freaky things happening. And she's old. I love her, but I don't have the emotional energy to get all strung out about her now, especially since she seems to be stable again. She has lost 12 ounces since the ? the summer? I can remember. That is quite a bit of weight, from 12lbs 1oz to 11lbs 5oz, even if that weight goes back to February (which it may). Shoot shoot shoot (again)...

See what I mean about, all at once? What next? I'll just stand here and weight for the next anvil to drop. At least I got some house cleaning done today. No matter what cataclysmic events are going on, someone still needs to scrub the toilet.