snapped

The too-tightly-wound string that I've been these past few days finally gave out today.

The stresses really weren't that great: DS2 had his first Atrium class this morning, another growing-up milestone that went fine but still makes me a little emotional. Then this afternoon DD got into a state about something (ah, yes: making a paper snowflake did not go as she wanted it to) and drew me yet another picture saying: "My Mom thks I am stooped" (translation: my mom thinks I'm stupid) Showing me, smiling, pointing at her, frowning. What I really think is going on there is that she thinks I am stupid, but knows she can't get away with saying that. Or she's just frustrated because she wants to do everything perfectly the first time and won't practice anything, but she still gets upset when things don't turn out the way she wants them to. At any rate, I don't think she's stupid at all, it's remarkable for a 5-year-old who just started kindergarden to be able to write like that! She's smarter than smart, but she has an attitude problem. I guess "My mom thinks I have an attitude problem" is beyond her capabilities, though, so I'm stuck with "My mom thinks I'm stupid."

At any rate, this just piled a heartbreak (bad kind) on top of a heartbreak (wistful kind).

DS1 contributed his share with this charming question: "Who needs you?" He was doing (or rather, not doing) his math homework, which took him about 10 minutes when he finally applied himself... but when he said that to me, I couldn't take any more. "Apparently, not you," I replied, and I walked upstairs, went into my room, closed and locked the door and lay down on the bed, where I remained until shortly before DH got home.

I'm pretty sure this rather extreme response is because there is just so much going on: between DS2's bloody nose the other day and the cat's latest bout with whatever it is that is going on with her, there have been a number of spectacular messes to clean up lately, including cups of milk dropped on the floor. We had a minor infestation of sugar ants again (gone now, I hope for good) when they found a new place to get in, they are so tenacious!

So there has been house stuff weighing on me, but the really big stress is of course the medical stuff: I need six biopsies. It's freaking me out. That's just too many to contemplate; I'm scheduled out till November, and that's doing them 2 at a time!

Tomorrow morning, I go for my thyroid scan and FNA, and I swear the lump in my throat has been getting bigger every day for the past week: here's hoping that's just me, psyching myself out.

If I'm going to have cancer, I'd rather it be the kind that can be taken out with a punch biopsy. I don't want to have any more full-blown surgeries this year. Or next year. Hey, you know what? Ever.

Hands were a little stiff today, no big deal, maybe a 3-4 on the 1-10 pain scale. No swelling, though. I missed several days of B5 and perhaps that's what's causing it. OTOH, the weather is supposed to cool down in the next day or so, and the change in weather could trigger a flare, too. Or it could be cyclical... I have no idea, but it's good to note it, just in case. Oddly enough, my feet have not been bothering me... usually when the hands go, so do the feet. Hmmm.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. Tomorrow's appointment will be over by 11, so I only have to be this uptight for about 11 more hours. Well: the pain will be over, then there's the waiting for the results. Whee! I'm going to have make a real effort to keep the dread/panic feelings under control, otherwise they're going to taint the remainder of this entire year. (rolling my eyes, here)

Time to go get driving directions to the endo's, I hate going into the Phoenix office, it's such a zoo there...