getaway?

I was out from about 10 this morning until nearly 5, and then dashed out again for another quick errand. I had coffee with the girls, got a quick lunch at Pei Wei, and then did a lot of (not-)shopping. It would be nice to think I accomplished something during that time but I'm not sure that's the case. The biggest score of the day was school polo shirts for the kids on sale at the Gap for a ridiculously low price, so I bought tons, particularly for DS1. Second score was some stuff for the house I may end up returning, so I won't go into it. Third was sf Torani syrups on sale at CostPlus...

I tried on a lot of clothes and hated them all. Actually, no, I found two pairs of pants that actually fit and looked nice at Ann Taylor Loft, but I refuse to pay $40 for pants that are, essentially, play clothes -- the kind you can wear to your kid's pre-school and not care paint gets on them. It's ridiculous. I'm just cheap, I guess. The others were gorgeous, a very muted gray plaid, and were well worth the $50 but I have very similar gray pinstripes already, and I really couldn't justify it. Shoes were a total bust, too, and I noticed with dismay that my very cute, very cheap Payless white sandals are starting to come apart. You really can't expect to get more than one season out of Payless shoes, and I've been wearing these practically every day since I bought them in July.

So basically there was a lot of wandering around and not much came of it.

The coffee talk was quite depressing for a number of reasons. First, one gf has a case of maternal insanity... well, that's not very nice, but I don't know how else to say it. She's constantly talking up her kids, but it was pretty obvious today that she's trying to convince herself that what she's saying is true. Of course no one is going to contradict her when she insists her kids are bright or whatever... we just nod and go along. She struggles. Her husband is the "extra child" type, basically useless with the boys (they have 4: 8, 6, 3, 1), but she knew he would be like that when they got married. Still, it's difficult to see/hear her sometimes. She's the one who always makes me appreciate my kids' behavior (and lack of misbehavior) more, as she always seems to be lurching from crisis to crisis. That happens to me, too, of course, but since I only have 3 peewees, it doesn't happen as often.

Then again, when I got home DH told me that DD had been running a fever all day, and he had just never thought to mention it to me when we talked on the cellphone. It's not as if I could've done anything differently, I just felt bad that I wasn't at home to take care of her. She slept a lot of the day away, apparently.

But back to the coffee talk. The second reason it was depressing was that another gf has a friend (not in our circle) that has stage 3 colon cancer. She had surgery a little while ago, and has less than a 50% chance at this point. She has two kids, teenagers. GF talked at some length about her friend's struggles and philosophy: you do whatever you can to hang on, because you have to be there for your kids. GF told her, "you are so brave, you are so strong," and she dismissed that: "you would do the same thing. You do what you have to do, because your kids need you."

The most devastating thing she talked about was how her friend would lie awake every night, knowing that she is likely going to die very soon, and being completely alone. Why doesn't she wake up her husband to talk to him, for comfort? Because he needs to sleep, so he can stay healthy and go to work and support the family. Besides, this isn't something he can help with. The reality of her impending death is not something that he can change. She can't whine about this all the time, because she doesn't want to wear him out; there will be a time when she needs to rely on him for everything, and she doesn't want him to resent her when that time comes.

So we talked a little about how was she diagnosed? She's only 46, which is young to have this problem. It took her a while to get a proper diagnosis, and at that point the cancer had metastized into her lymph nodes (not all, but some). The biggest clue was that she had been losing weight.

And there I'm sitting, The Twig, size 4 everywhere. 120-odd pounds stretched out over 5 feet, nearly 8 inches is not very much. My weight is at a set point now that is about 10 pounds lower than it used to be. Maybe that's OK, but an acquaintance I see only from time to time asked me yesterday if I was trying to gain weight now? That was worth a pause. At least I know I don't have colon cancer, because my colonoscopy report from the spring was frame-worthy. OTOH, I'm getting two biopsies of possible melanoma spots tomorrow, and Tuesday morning I may find out whether or not I have thyroid cancer. I may not, though, because sometimes the biopsy samples are inconclusive. I should find out whether or not I need surgery, though. (roll eyes here)

The conversation turned to how we would handle it if we were diagnosed with something fatal. I did not say a word about my appointments this week. (Not that I think I'm going to be diagnosed with something fatal. I do have a feeling that I will be diagnosed with cancer, though.) I totally, completely agree with gf's friend, who hates the way people change when they hear the news. The pity, the concern -- like Dan Rather's memos, these emotions are fake, but accurate. The people who love you, love you the same. Why can't everyone else treat you the same, too?

I didn't talk about my upcoming medical nightmares for a lot of reasons, but that's one of them. I didn't want to bring them all down, for another -- two of them are about to head off on family vacations. I didn't want to be the focus of attention for more than a sentence or two. I don't want to be emotionally vulnerable in front of the uber-mom, as she can be a vicious gossip and I don't want to be grist for that mill.

We discussed whether or not it was "fair" to keep such vital information from people who might genuinely care about you, but whose own lives might be going at breakneck speed at the moment... sometimes even your dearest friends can fall off the radar from time to time. GF declared: them's the breaks, essentially. I realized I agree. I'm feeling very negative about this medical stuff, but I'm also feeling very much that it is the business of only a few select people. (Aside from any number of perfect strangers reading here - hee!)

Another reason not to talk about is that my own thinking is pretty confused on the subject. I know intellectually that even if I do have melanoma or thyroid cancer or both, that we will have caught it in the very early stages, and the outlook should be very good. I told DH, "Nobody ever dies of thyroid cancer," which is nearly true. There are very rare horrible untreatable cases, but those are extremely unusual. People do die of melanoma, but that's why I go visit the dermatologist so often.

Unfortunately, the rational part of me can't do much to control the irrational panic that's playing on an infinite repeat loop in my brain: What if I have cancer? I don't want to have cancer! I'm not sick! But what if I am, what if I am?

Enough, woman! This whining is boring even to me, and I'm the whiner. I'll know more on Tuesday. I do not handle the run-up to unpleasantness well. Now, that would be a great life skill to cultivate, wouldn't it?