reality check

My conscience twinged when I wrote below about the likelihood of getting "you deserve [cancer], you bitch," comments in an online forum in which I have been less than gracious in trying to defend my religion. I can state with 100% certainty that with the exception of perhaps 3 people, no one over there would ever say such a thing. Those three people, though? They probably wouldn't say it, either, although I suspect that they might think it. But nobody can be convicted for thinking nasty thoughts, which is a good thing because I would've been locked up long ago were that the case.

The thing is, I realized, I am actually embarrassed about the current slate of medical procedures I'm facing. Since Oct 31, 2003, I've had a hysterectomy and cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal). On top of that, I had developed an infection in a sebaceous cyst that had to be drained (twice) and then removed. I was on some medication for my rheumatoid arthritis that did a number on my digestive system, and after my gallbladder surgery I had both endoscopy and colonoscopy to try and nail down the problem. When I finally dropped the medication, the problems cleared up, but it took way too long to realize what was really going on. It seemed that between October 2003 and May 2004, I lurched from one medical problem to another. I find it really distressing that it looks like this fall may be a replay of last year's.

Friday evening, I asked DH in all serious, "Do you think that I'm doing something that's making all this stuff happen? Or is there something I should be doing, that I'm not?" He brushed it off as a silly question. No one chooses to make their thyroid go off, and it's not as if I can control the rate at which my spots become mutant. I don't exercise regularly and I don't get enough sleep, but my weight, blood sugar, and cholesterol are all stellar, and my nutrition is generally good. I even think I maintain a positive attitude about my health, because I realize that is important, too.

Yet it seems every time I turn around there's something else waiting to whack me upside the head.

Mary Shomon's most recent newsletter highlighted Everything Happens for a Reason, a new book I am too lazy to link just now. Is that really true? What lesson am I supposed to be taking away from all this? What am I supposed to be doing differently? I'm trying to find the answer, and I can't. When I look back and pinpoint when all the changes started, I can see that the downhill slide started during my 3rd pregnancy. It's not like I can undo that now, you know?

So I'm stuck. I will end up asking for help even though it means more embarrassment, more admitting that I'm falling apart in spite of my best efforts... no one I know will make me feel bad by asking the obvious question, "Girl, what are you doing to yourself?!"

But I bet they're all thinking it.