Why do I do that?

...
I am totally dragging my butt today. Fatigue has permeated every last molecule of my body, and it's my own stupid fault.

Last night, DH went up to bed about 11, and I should've gone too, but wanted to watch the latest "24" on the TiVO. With commercial skipping and all, I could easily have made it into bed by midnight, I thought, and that gives me a good 7 hours of sleep, usually -- sometimes a little more.

So, what do I do? I watch "24", and it was a terrific episode, probably the best of the season. So then I didn't want to go to bed and I start surfing, and "The Joy Luck Club" was on one of the Starz movie channels (which I swear are evil, as I am always doing this to myself), and I thought, "Oh, just let me see what part it's on," and I flipped over to that.

Of course I watched the whole f'in thing, which was until 2AM, and then I switched the TV back to Noggin for the kids in the morning, and "Out There" was on, and it was a really cute episode (I've seen them all -- "The N", Noggin's bigger-kid shows, are my guilty pleasure, I watch nearly all of them) -- so I stayed up until 2:30 to watch it. I like "Out There" because the main kid totally reminds me of DS1, and lets me imagine what my own son will be like when he's a teenager.

Anyway, I was all ready for bed and curled up on the couch in a blanket and was cozy and comfy watching all this TV, and I just had inertia -- it was easier to stay there than it was to get up and go to bed.

So this morning DH let me sleep until practically 8:30! This would be wonderful except I have to get DD to her preschool supposedly by 9AM, which sooo did not happen today. I got up and threw on some sweats, made breakfast, got DS2 dressed (for once he did not fuss, thank God), and made it to school by 9:25, which is some kind of record, I think. Of course I left the kitchen a mess, but hey, I didn't want to be any later than we were.

I don't know whether it's lack of sleep or pending illness, but I've just got that almost-headache, yucky-all-over feeling. Man, I don't want to be sick. I do think the surgery has whacked out my immune system, since I got that stomach bug just a week afterwards. Normally, especially since going LC, I do NOT get sick. I can't afford to get sick, I've got 3 kids to take care of and so much to do... whaaaa!

I think I'll take a nap this afternoon on the couch while the little ones watch TV and play. I can usually grab some rest that way.

The real question is, of course, WHY DON'T I GO TO BED WHEN I SHOULD? This has been going on for about 3 years now. I am beginning to think it's some kind of psychological disorder or something. It's definitely a "sleep disturbance."

Everyday I say to myself, today I will be in bed by 11, and I end up staying up till 12, 12:30, 1... usually not 2:30, though, or I'd probably be dead by now. Before my surgery I was up at 7AM everyday to get DS1 ready and off to school, but since the surgery DH has been letting me sleep in and he has been getting DS1 up and making him breakfast, and lunch, and everything. Words can not describe what a great dad he is, and what a wonderful husband. I do feel guilty that I'm not helping in the mornings as much as I could, too.

Still, fatigue, guilt, and common sense are not enough to get me into bed at a reasonable time. Perhaps it's time to seek some professional help on this issue, before it gets any worse!