I sent an email to the ACS about all those strange typos in the Middle School Chemistry curriculum, and it turns out that it's pdf-viewer specific. After a brief email exchange, I decided to try it in the different PDF viewers I had available, and what do I find? The PDFs look perfect in Google Chrome and Adobe Acrobat, but are full of errors in Microsoft Edge.
Par for the course, unfortunately. Microsoft apps are such appalling bloat-ware at this point, and their online versions are so ham-strung you can't even make a table of contents! I don't even want to talk about the fun I had setting up OneNote Class Notebooks for my students over the weekend...
Anyway, it was fun trying to identify exactly where the problem was, and even better being able to pinpoint something. And the ACS guys were great to work with, too.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Sunday, February 18, 2018
here's how long weekends go
Friday, I left school at a decent hour for once. There was no staff meeting, and I pushed myself to leave because I had to drive up to Tempe to pick up DS1. Dinner with all my boys was nice, a lovely salmon with tomato and basil off my very own little basil plant (I haven't killed it yet!). Since it's Lent, DH and I don't do date night on Friday. After dinner, in front of the tv... lesson planning, specifically finding videos to support my lessons. The vastness of the internet becomes apparent during such searches.
Saturday: up early to do errands and pick up our family portrait, finally. There was some delay getting the frame, but it's gorgeous. Of course it's not on the wall yet. We'll see how long that takes! Then... more lesson planning and prep. They are not the same thing. It's great finding things for my students to do, but nothing is ever exactly the way I want it to be, so I end up substantially editing or completely retyping things. The ACS's Middle School Chemistry curriculum is awesome but so full of typos I would never give it to a student. The errors are all the same, dropped letters. It's odd, but I can't give 8th graders work that asks them to use fat toothpicks instead of flat ones. You see the problem. [UPDATE: The dropped-letter problem only occurs in Microsoft Edge; the pdf documents are perfect in Chrome or Acrobat. Weird but true, and they're looking into it.] I've already typed up 2, 10-page lab packets and have one to go. The students love them, and most importantly, are learning with them, but it's really quite time consuming.
Saturday afternoon: vigil Mass, where I am in the regular corps of Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist now. I'm over my nerves, finally, but I do get twinges every so often of wanting to take a Mass off. It's a different experience when you're working. There is no time for contemplation.
Saturday evening: a quick dinner out with DH and DS1, as DS2's friends were coming over to celebrate his birthday and they were eating pizza (of course). After dinner: five more hours of lesson prep: typing up the second of those 10-page lab packets, and ordering needed supplies for it, among other things. It's like I sit down, and then I look up and it's 12:30 AM and no wonder my eyes feel like sandpaper.
Sunday: DS2 impressed me greatly by making his friends French toast (his special recipe with pumpkin pie spice and vanilla extract) and bacon for breakfast. I juiced the last of the oranges and everyone was happy. Then I puttered around and cleaned up the kitchen, then made breakfast for DH and I. Since then, it's been puttering either around the house or online. I haven't done a single productive thing today for school! I have been doing a lot of recreational online shopping, though, since at this time of year, most everyone steeply discounts their already marked-down merchandise. "An extra 60% off sale prices" is very tempting, but I mostly limited myself to things I needed. It's true I don't need those earrings I paid $6 for, and the kimono-style blouse was real splurge at $18, but still, $11 for a really nice sweater feels like an accomplishment.
The plan is to do some grading after dinner. Tomorrow I'm having an eye exam early, so I won't be able to do any reading or anything until the dilating solution wears off. By the end of the day I'll be feeling that beginning-of-the-work-week pressure, and getting annoyed with myself that I didn't buckle down and work Sunday so that Monday could just be a nice day.
I'm feeling defensive over my day off, and then feeling silly for feeling that way. No one else is saying I should've worked today. This is the kind of nonsense that goes on in my head on a regular basis.
It's been a nice day.
Saturday: up early to do errands and pick up our family portrait, finally. There was some delay getting the frame, but it's gorgeous. Of course it's not on the wall yet. We'll see how long that takes! Then... more lesson planning and prep. They are not the same thing. It's great finding things for my students to do, but nothing is ever exactly the way I want it to be, so I end up substantially editing or completely retyping things. The ACS's Middle School Chemistry curriculum is awesome but so full of typos I would never give it to a student. The errors are all the same, dropped letters. It's odd, but I can't give 8th graders work that asks them to use fat toothpicks instead of flat ones. You see the problem. [UPDATE: The dropped-letter problem only occurs in Microsoft Edge; the pdf documents are perfect in Chrome or Acrobat. Weird but true, and they're looking into it.] I've already typed up 2, 10-page lab packets and have one to go. The students love them, and most importantly, are learning with them, but it's really quite time consuming.
Saturday afternoon: vigil Mass, where I am in the regular corps of Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist now. I'm over my nerves, finally, but I do get twinges every so often of wanting to take a Mass off. It's a different experience when you're working. There is no time for contemplation.
Saturday evening: a quick dinner out with DH and DS1, as DS2's friends were coming over to celebrate his birthday and they were eating pizza (of course). After dinner: five more hours of lesson prep: typing up the second of those 10-page lab packets, and ordering needed supplies for it, among other things. It's like I sit down, and then I look up and it's 12:30 AM and no wonder my eyes feel like sandpaper.
Sunday: DS2 impressed me greatly by making his friends French toast (his special recipe with pumpkin pie spice and vanilla extract) and bacon for breakfast. I juiced the last of the oranges and everyone was happy. Then I puttered around and cleaned up the kitchen, then made breakfast for DH and I. Since then, it's been puttering either around the house or online. I haven't done a single productive thing today for school! I have been doing a lot of recreational online shopping, though, since at this time of year, most everyone steeply discounts their already marked-down merchandise. "An extra 60% off sale prices" is very tempting, but I mostly limited myself to things I needed. It's true I don't need those earrings I paid $6 for, and the kimono-style blouse was real splurge at $18, but still, $11 for a really nice sweater feels like an accomplishment.
The plan is to do some grading after dinner. Tomorrow I'm having an eye exam early, so I won't be able to do any reading or anything until the dilating solution wears off. By the end of the day I'll be feeling that beginning-of-the-work-week pressure, and getting annoyed with myself that I didn't buckle down and work Sunday so that Monday could just be a nice day.
I'm feeling defensive over my day off, and then feeling silly for feeling that way. No one else is saying I should've worked today. This is the kind of nonsense that goes on in my head on a regular basis.
It's been a nice day.
Thursday, February 08, 2018
a moment
About 4:30 this afternoon, I was setting up the science lab for tomorrow's adventure in chemistry, because we have Mass in the morning and therefore I don't have the prep hour I do all the other days.
We've been in the lab every day this week, using a modified version of this awesome Middle School Chemistry curriculum from the American Chemical Society. This is the most hands-on chemistry I've ever been able to teach. I have the space, I have the resources, I have the time, and I have the complete support of my administration.
So yeah, I was on campus pretty late, but it was with a smile on my face.
I love my job.
We've been in the lab every day this week, using a modified version of this awesome Middle School Chemistry curriculum from the American Chemical Society. This is the most hands-on chemistry I've ever been able to teach. I have the space, I have the resources, I have the time, and I have the complete support of my administration.
So yeah, I was on campus pretty late, but it was with a smile on my face.
I love my job.
Friday, January 05, 2018
recovering
My winter break didn't start until mid-day on December 21, but it wonderfully continues through this whole week. I've spent the better part of this 2-plus weeks feeling like I'm finally getting over a long, stubborn illness. Part of that is because I did finally kick the cold symptoms that had been hanging on since Thanksgiving. An even bigger part, though, is feeling as if the veil of depression that settled over me at the end of May has begun to lift.
I've been struggling this year, much more than I should be. I'm not in grad school anymore. I'm only teaching three subjects. I have right around 100 students. I've got way better technology to help manage student science project work. But I still have felt nearly continuous anxiety, and often struggled to get lessons planned and materials prepped without feeling like I was doing everything at the last minute.
I struggled to make sense of it, because I objectively had much less work than I've had for the past 4 years. I don't have to upload ridiculously detailed lesson plans, two weeks in advance, by 8AM every Monday, for example. Nor am I leading and documenting weekly PLC meetings. Nor am I participating in three child study teams... but still. I am doing many lessons "from scratch", even though the curriculum is by the same publisher as at my last school, and so big chunks are substantially the same... but the standards are not, which makes me a first-year teacher again, in some respects. Integrating engineering, modeling, scientific argumentation... awesome, but time consuming, since my curriculum is not aligned with the NGSS.
I'm tired of being new and having to create everything from the ground up. Now, at the halfway point, I have a ridiculously long To-Do list, and I'm only about halfway through it. Last year I was too exhausted to do much of anything over the break, but I have more discipline this year and will knock off the rest of the list over the next four days. (And then it's back to work.)
Throughout this year I have been aiming for a better work/life balance, and to that end, I've put more energy into meal planning and prep than I did last year... but last year, DD was home and a big help on that front. But there's only so much I can do in a day, and over the past 5 months there have been a lot of days where, after dinner, I just didn't work because I couldn't push myself to.
That's the big difference between this year and last: needing to push myself to get anything done. I'm relieved the low-key anxiety underlying everything seems to have dissipated. Perhaps now all the little (and not-so-little) teacher tasks I have to do won't seem like such a burden.
I've been struggling this year, much more than I should be. I'm not in grad school anymore. I'm only teaching three subjects. I have right around 100 students. I've got way better technology to help manage student science project work. But I still have felt nearly continuous anxiety, and often struggled to get lessons planned and materials prepped without feeling like I was doing everything at the last minute.
I struggled to make sense of it, because I objectively had much less work than I've had for the past 4 years. I don't have to upload ridiculously detailed lesson plans, two weeks in advance, by 8AM every Monday, for example. Nor am I leading and documenting weekly PLC meetings. Nor am I participating in three child study teams... but still. I am doing many lessons "from scratch", even though the curriculum is by the same publisher as at my last school, and so big chunks are substantially the same... but the standards are not, which makes me a first-year teacher again, in some respects. Integrating engineering, modeling, scientific argumentation... awesome, but time consuming, since my curriculum is not aligned with the NGSS.
I'm tired of being new and having to create everything from the ground up. Now, at the halfway point, I have a ridiculously long To-Do list, and I'm only about halfway through it. Last year I was too exhausted to do much of anything over the break, but I have more discipline this year and will knock off the rest of the list over the next four days. (And then it's back to work.)
Throughout this year I have been aiming for a better work/life balance, and to that end, I've put more energy into meal planning and prep than I did last year... but last year, DD was home and a big help on that front. But there's only so much I can do in a day, and over the past 5 months there have been a lot of days where, after dinner, I just didn't work because I couldn't push myself to.
That's the big difference between this year and last: needing to push myself to get anything done. I'm relieved the low-key anxiety underlying everything seems to have dissipated. Perhaps now all the little (and not-so-little) teacher tasks I have to do won't seem like such a burden.
Monday, December 25, 2017
a merry little Christmas
You know your kids are grown when they sleep until 9:30 Christmas morning. As it was, DS2 was knocking on the other two doors, announcing, "Christmas!" He wanted to open presents.
You also know your kids are grown when opening presents takes approximately 10 minutes, and within another 10 minutes, everything is put away. It helps that we have sworn off the entire idea of "stocking stuffers" and only get the kids stuff they actually want/can use. Plus, they are old enough now that aunts and uncles have finally quit sending stuff for them... with one exception -- my older sister, who, as DH says, "... is loaded, she has nothing else to spend her money on." True. But everyone else has stepped back, and that's good.
Me, too: this is the first year I haven't sent gift cards ($$$) to my multitudinous nieces and nephews. One of my brothers told me to stop, literally. I respect that, and appreciate it, because although I love my job, I've taken a bit of a pay cut (but I am paying into a pension fund, so it works out.) Still, the cash on hand is not so much in evidence this year. At least I'm not paying for grad school -- that helps.
The rib roast is resting on the counter, and I have to go defrost the shrimp. Last year's lobster tail was inexplicably bitter, and I'd rather not go through that hassle just to be disappointed again. Dinner preparations will begin eventually.
There's a pitcher of mimosas in the fridge, Christmas music on Pandora, and fresh balsam candles making the house smell like a Christmas tree. I'd love to bake something but my students completely overwhelmed me with their gifts of delicious things, so it would be silly to add more. It's very quiet here, with everyone off in their own corner doing whatever -- the way it usually is.
Still, everyone is home, and happy. And so is my heart, this Christmas.
You also know your kids are grown when opening presents takes approximately 10 minutes, and within another 10 minutes, everything is put away. It helps that we have sworn off the entire idea of "stocking stuffers" and only get the kids stuff they actually want/can use. Plus, they are old enough now that aunts and uncles have finally quit sending stuff for them... with one exception -- my older sister, who, as DH says, "... is loaded, she has nothing else to spend her money on." True. But everyone else has stepped back, and that's good.
Me, too: this is the first year I haven't sent gift cards ($$$) to my multitudinous nieces and nephews. One of my brothers told me to stop, literally. I respect that, and appreciate it, because although I love my job, I've taken a bit of a pay cut (but I am paying into a pension fund, so it works out.) Still, the cash on hand is not so much in evidence this year. At least I'm not paying for grad school -- that helps.
The rib roast is resting on the counter, and I have to go defrost the shrimp. Last year's lobster tail was inexplicably bitter, and I'd rather not go through that hassle just to be disappointed again. Dinner preparations will begin eventually.
There's a pitcher of mimosas in the fridge, Christmas music on Pandora, and fresh balsam candles making the house smell like a Christmas tree. I'd love to bake something but my students completely overwhelmed me with their gifts of delicious things, so it would be silly to add more. It's very quiet here, with everyone off in their own corner doing whatever -- the way it usually is.
Still, everyone is home, and happy. And so is my heart, this Christmas.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
"Maybe we should just move?"
-semi-serious question asked by DH yesterday, contemplating the state of the plumbing. It's an impending doom situation here. We know it will fail again, we just don't know where or when. *sigh*
And then I opened the microwave to take out my cup of tea, and the front panel fell off sending sparks everywhere. Yep, we have been in this house for 19 years. If moving weren't so expensive, we probably would do it... but for now, we're staying put, and getting a new microwave.
Contractors are coming Friday to give us an estimate on fixing the hole in the wall. That is totally the kind of thing we would have done ourselves in the past, but the insurance is covering it, so we'll leave it to the professionals. Getting the plaster texture right is tougher than it looks.
And then I opened the microwave to take out my cup of tea, and the front panel fell off sending sparks everywhere. Yep, we have been in this house for 19 years. If moving weren't so expensive, we probably would do it... but for now, we're staying put, and getting a new microwave.
Contractors are coming Friday to give us an estimate on fixing the hole in the wall. That is totally the kind of thing we would have done ourselves in the past, but the insurance is covering it, so we'll leave it to the professionals. Getting the plaster texture right is tougher than it looks.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Also in the "don't do this again" bin
Non-emergency plumbing repairs the day before Thanksgiving. My nerves are extremely jangly after trying to disable the smoke detectors going off from all the soldering happening to repair and replace this manifold:
The moisture/mold abatement team will be arriving shortly. I expect we'll be dealing with fans/blowers and dehumidifiers for several days at least, but we should be able to deal with that.
 |
| Pipes aren't supposed to be green. |
Monday, November 20, 2017
don't do this again...
Reminder to me: do not have a Thyrogen trial over Thanksgiving, even if you're not on the low iodine diet.
I forget how many symptoms of hypothyroidism I get after the injections, namely: muscle and joint pain, dry skin, feeling cold all the time, brain fog, deep and abiding fatigue (that one could just be because I don't get enough sleep), gastroparesis, sinus congestion, headache, ...
Yes, I'm blaming it all on the Thyrogen, which should clear my system over the next week or so, and then I'll be fine. But having to deal with all these physical irritations when I want to be working in the kitchen is a drag.
I had my second blood test this morning, so technically, that's that. The tech drew from the back of my right hand, and this afternoon it started itching something fierce, probably from the tape she used to secure the gauze over the injection site. Fortunately that all settled down, because I can't deal with another something blowing up right now, even if it is minor. Too much to do.
I want to peel the apples for the pies, but I have to enter grades, first. And then go to bed at a decent hour and see if it helps!
I forget how many symptoms of hypothyroidism I get after the injections, namely: muscle and joint pain, dry skin, feeling cold all the time, brain fog, deep and abiding fatigue (that one could just be because I don't get enough sleep), gastroparesis, sinus congestion, headache, ...
Yes, I'm blaming it all on the Thyrogen, which should clear my system over the next week or so, and then I'll be fine. But having to deal with all these physical irritations when I want to be working in the kitchen is a drag.
I had my second blood test this morning, so technically, that's that. The tech drew from the back of my right hand, and this afternoon it started itching something fierce, probably from the tape she used to secure the gauze over the injection site. Fortunately that all settled down, because I can't deal with another something blowing up right now, even if it is minor. Too much to do.
I want to peel the apples for the pies, but I have to enter grades, first. And then go to bed at a decent hour and see if it helps!
Thursday, November 16, 2017
it's always the same
Or often, anyway. Maybe not always.
I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep. Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6. The math is not in my favor.
At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class! unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading. It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it. A tiny fraction, but still, some.
Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years. I'm such a poser. But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.
Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...
The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose. So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch
I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again.
I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?" It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me). What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.
Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department. I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there. I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me. If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.
What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling. It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence. Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?
I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it.
Always the same. By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine. Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.
I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep. Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6. The math is not in my favor.
At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class! unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading. It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it. A tiny fraction, but still, some.
Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years. I'm such a poser. But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.
Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...
The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose. So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch
I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again.
I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?" It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me). What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.
Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department. I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there. I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me. If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.
What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling. It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence. Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?
I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it.
Always the same. By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine. Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.
Saturday, November 04, 2017
and just like that...
It's November -- DD's birthday, in fact, and she's out running around town with her friends. One-third of the way through the school year, and things are going well.
I have some kind of psychological hangover from last May's events, because any time something goes even slightly wrong at school, I get very anxious. I blame myself for not seeing it coming, and I rack my brain trying to find some event or communication that I misinterpreted, but I'm still coming up empty. So far the feedback I'm getting is positive, so I don't think I'm missing anything... but I'm still worried that I am.
DS2 has a choir concert this afternoon, and this evening DD's friends will be assembling again. It's fun to have full house again.
I have some kind of psychological hangover from last May's events, because any time something goes even slightly wrong at school, I get very anxious. I blame myself for not seeing it coming, and I rack my brain trying to find some event or communication that I misinterpreted, but I'm still coming up empty. So far the feedback I'm getting is positive, so I don't think I'm missing anything... but I'm still worried that I am.
DS2 has a choir concert this afternoon, and this evening DD's friends will be assembling again. It's fun to have full house again.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
rough week
I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades. It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.
Just couldn't get there, though. I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.
Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over. I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much. I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.
Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up. A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom. We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.
We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret. But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.
On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months. Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have. Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses. I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.
I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.
Just couldn't get there, though. I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.
Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over. I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much. I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.
Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up. A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom. We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.
We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret. But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.
On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months. Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have. Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses. I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.
I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
fly by posting...
Super busy, as usual -- but did finish my curriculum mapping last week, so there's that.
Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.
I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.
School is off to a very good start, though. I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree! Amazing. I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know. But so far so good.
Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.
I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.
School is off to a very good start, though. I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree! Amazing. I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know. But so far so good.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
My girl's gone
DH and I took DD to her college today, about 3 hours north of home. The day was long anticipated. The girl and I talked and planned and shopped and packed all summer, it seems. We packed up the van last night and got up early this morning to avoid the traffic, and we set off.
The trip was uneventful. The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.
There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it. Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.
We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time! None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.
I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!" She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built. I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days. Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...
I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia. Time goes by so fast! It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting. I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much. But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now. Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious. She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.
Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her. I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.) The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house. (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)
Change is always hard, even when they are good. DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too. I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away. The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work. It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.
The trip was uneventful. The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.
There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it. Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.
We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time! None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.
I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!" She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built. I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days. Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...
I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia. Time goes by so fast! It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting. I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much. But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now. Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious. She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.
Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her. I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.) The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house. (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)
Change is always hard, even when they are good. DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too. I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away. The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work. It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.
Monday, July 31, 2017
... and now it's gone
Having accomplished about 98% of what needed to be done in the house, post-flooring renovation, I stalled, big time.
I still haven't finished hanging the pictures in the stairwell. Nor have I done the touch-up painting required in several rooms. It will probably take less than an hour, but I still haven't done it. There's various stuff still scattered here and there around the house, still not put back in its proper place. I have also not painted DS2's room, but he hasn't been exactly jumping on that, either. How long can you keep paint in a can before it becomes unusable? At least I bought the paint on sale. I have no doubt it will go on the walls eventually, it's just that we've all become extremely sedentary in these last few weeks of summer.
Technically, my summer's over. I started at my new school today, pre-service teacher training; students won't start until August 9. I'm nervous about starting over again, but it's a shorter day and I'm out of grad school, and I have minimal other responsibilities.
So, rather than finishing up those small tedious tasks, I have managed to do a few things, like re-upholster the dining room chairs. They are now kitchen chairs because we finally gave up on trying to fit at the smaller table and moved the dining room set into the kitchen. I bought enough fabric and materials to make cushions for the chair backs, too, but I haven't made them yet. Perhaps this weekend?
I've also been inordinately busy shopping with DD for her new life at college: bedding, room stuff, mini kitchen, cold weather clothes... the list is seemingly endless, but I think we're in good shape now.
Small victories: I bought a square Lane coffee table for the family room and am just delighted with its clean lines. And, I finally tracked down a replacement for a pottery piece that was originally a wedding present that I broke back in 2005:
It arrived today and I have this sense of an old wound finally healing. I don't know why it bothered me so much but in 12 years I never completely forgot about it, and from time to time I would do a web search. I was up stupidly late when I found it, but I had a sense that I would finally be successful if I just kept at it, and I was.
Other than shopping? Reading. DS2 recommended the first two books of Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive, and I thought, "Sure, why not?" Then I actually saw the books: at least 3 inches tall, roughly 1300 pages. Each. Of course I have no willpower regarding pacing myself while I'm reading, so I basically immersed myself in them and thoroughly enjoyed the process. I think it took me about a week or so to read both books. I didn't do much else during that time, though! But I can see why DS2 really liked them, and wanted me to read them. Volume three comes out in November. I will probably wait until Christmas to get a copy, though, since I'm not to be trusted with huge, engrossing volumes when I have serious work to do.
DS1 and I re-watched all the Harry Potter movies, which was especially fun because I'd just re-read all the books. There were a number of things I hadn't noticed before. I actually liked the two Deathly Hallows movies better than when I'd seen first them (not including the penultimate scene, about which the less said, the better.)
But now I'm back in work and have to switch over to school mode; DS2 goes back on Friday. The two older kids are both moving to their respective colleges weekend after next: DS2 will be our last kid at home, two weeks from now. How strange that will be!
I still haven't finished hanging the pictures in the stairwell. Nor have I done the touch-up painting required in several rooms. It will probably take less than an hour, but I still haven't done it. There's various stuff still scattered here and there around the house, still not put back in its proper place. I have also not painted DS2's room, but he hasn't been exactly jumping on that, either. How long can you keep paint in a can before it becomes unusable? At least I bought the paint on sale. I have no doubt it will go on the walls eventually, it's just that we've all become extremely sedentary in these last few weeks of summer.
Technically, my summer's over. I started at my new school today, pre-service teacher training; students won't start until August 9. I'm nervous about starting over again, but it's a shorter day and I'm out of grad school, and I have minimal other responsibilities.
So, rather than finishing up those small tedious tasks, I have managed to do a few things, like re-upholster the dining room chairs. They are now kitchen chairs because we finally gave up on trying to fit at the smaller table and moved the dining room set into the kitchen. I bought enough fabric and materials to make cushions for the chair backs, too, but I haven't made them yet. Perhaps this weekend?
I've also been inordinately busy shopping with DD for her new life at college: bedding, room stuff, mini kitchen, cold weather clothes... the list is seemingly endless, but I think we're in good shape now.
Small victories: I bought a square Lane coffee table for the family room and am just delighted with its clean lines. And, I finally tracked down a replacement for a pottery piece that was originally a wedding present that I broke back in 2005:
It arrived today and I have this sense of an old wound finally healing. I don't know why it bothered me so much but in 12 years I never completely forgot about it, and from time to time I would do a web search. I was up stupidly late when I found it, but I had a sense that I would finally be successful if I just kept at it, and I was.
Other than shopping? Reading. DS2 recommended the first two books of Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive, and I thought, "Sure, why not?" Then I actually saw the books: at least 3 inches tall, roughly 1300 pages. Each. Of course I have no willpower regarding pacing myself while I'm reading, so I basically immersed myself in them and thoroughly enjoyed the process. I think it took me about a week or so to read both books. I didn't do much else during that time, though! But I can see why DS2 really liked them, and wanted me to read them. Volume three comes out in November. I will probably wait until Christmas to get a copy, though, since I'm not to be trusted with huge, engrossing volumes when I have serious work to do.
DS1 and I re-watched all the Harry Potter movies, which was especially fun because I'd just re-read all the books. There were a number of things I hadn't noticed before. I actually liked the two Deathly Hallows movies better than when I'd seen first them (not including the penultimate scene, about which the less said, the better.)
But now I'm back in work and have to switch over to school mode; DS2 goes back on Friday. The two older kids are both moving to their respective colleges weekend after next: DS2 will be our last kid at home, two weeks from now. How strange that will be!
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
summer's almost here
Signed my contract yesterday. *whew* Am now actively reprogramming my brain to prepare for the new school year, but fortunately, I don't report for orientation until the very end of July, and school begins in the second week of August. Hooray for a more traditional school calendar!
The grand flooring project and its aftermath is just about finished. There's still tape over the trim, but we'll take that off tomorrow, and then I'll post some photos. The kids have been absolutely amazing with all that I have asked of them: sorting, packing, moving, sleeping in odd places, and then moving furniture back where it belongs and putting everything else away, too. It may sound odd, but we had a spectacular trip to IKEA in which we found everything we needed and managed to get it all packed in the back of the van, and then unpacked immediately. Before bed that night all the carpets were out, and before two days had passed all the furniture was assembled.
Temperatures outside have been at or over 110 degrees for more than two weeks running, so it's summer out there, but for me, not quite. I need to muddle through a few more house things, and then I'll feel like I can really relax. The flooring installation took all of last week, as opposed to the 2 days originally estimated; I took advantage of the stuck-at-home time by re-reading the Harry Potter series and am about two-thirds through book 7. That is a mental vacation of sorts, but the later books are so much longer and more serious that I find I can actually put them down to do other things.
I think I have been so busy for so long that I don't really know how to relax. I keep having this feeling I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm going to have to work on that.
The grand flooring project and its aftermath is just about finished. There's still tape over the trim, but we'll take that off tomorrow, and then I'll post some photos. The kids have been absolutely amazing with all that I have asked of them: sorting, packing, moving, sleeping in odd places, and then moving furniture back where it belongs and putting everything else away, too. It may sound odd, but we had a spectacular trip to IKEA in which we found everything we needed and managed to get it all packed in the back of the van, and then unpacked immediately. Before bed that night all the carpets were out, and before two days had passed all the furniture was assembled.
Temperatures outside have been at or over 110 degrees for more than two weeks running, so it's summer out there, but for me, not quite. I need to muddle through a few more house things, and then I'll feel like I can really relax. The flooring installation took all of last week, as opposed to the 2 days originally estimated; I took advantage of the stuck-at-home time by re-reading the Harry Potter series and am about two-thirds through book 7. That is a mental vacation of sorts, but the later books are so much longer and more serious that I find I can actually put them down to do other things.
I think I have been so busy for so long that I don't really know how to relax. I keep having this feeling I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm going to have to work on that.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
things are looking up
I've already had three interviews for my dream job. I'm not going to say too much more about it, except this comment from a different perspective: It's not your plan, it's God's plan.
So many people told me, on the terrible day when my contract was rescinded, that things happen for a reason, and that I would find something even better, and that I would be OK. I have never, perhaps in spite of my faith, bought into the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. On the other hand, I do think God has a plan for me, I just don't always know what it is, and I'm fairly certain that there have been plenty of times when I haven't followed the path that would have kept me closer to that plan.
I don't think God is a manipulative jerk. I have noticed, though, that at certain times in my life, I've made the same mistake repeatedly until some shocking event wakes me up to the fact that I am, in fact, doing something less-than-good. I can't tell you how many times Pride goeth before the fall has echoed through head these past few weeks. All I can do is nod my head in agreement.
So I'm waiting to hear from the dream job, and holding off on completing my other applications for a little while. I'm waiting for a letter of reference from my old principal to be able to complete those applications, anyway, and she just returned from her maternity leave and I'm sure she's swamped. It's OK, there's still plenty of time before the next school year kicks into gear.
On a completely different note, this was great news today:
So many people told me, on the terrible day when my contract was rescinded, that things happen for a reason, and that I would find something even better, and that I would be OK. I have never, perhaps in spite of my faith, bought into the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. On the other hand, I do think God has a plan for me, I just don't always know what it is, and I'm fairly certain that there have been plenty of times when I haven't followed the path that would have kept me closer to that plan.
I don't think God is a manipulative jerk. I have noticed, though, that at certain times in my life, I've made the same mistake repeatedly until some shocking event wakes me up to the fact that I am, in fact, doing something less-than-good. I can't tell you how many times Pride goeth before the fall has echoed through head these past few weeks. All I can do is nod my head in agreement.
So I'm waiting to hear from the dream job, and holding off on completing my other applications for a little while. I'm waiting for a letter of reference from my old principal to be able to complete those applications, anyway, and she just returned from her maternity leave and I'm sure she's swamped. It's OK, there's still plenty of time before the next school year kicks into gear.
On a completely different note, this was great news today:
And finally, Goodwill came and picked up a ton (almost literally) of stuff we've purged in advance of getting our floors re-done next week. We'll hit peak household disruption on Sunday, but the work should be finished by this time next week, and we'll begin the process of thoughtfully putting everything left back into the upstairs rooms.
It's strange to be in AZ at this time of year, but I appreciate having the time to get this work done on the house, and I really appreciate not having any homework or classwork or any other sort of schoolwork to do!
Tuesday, June 06, 2017
Now I get it
I asked for, and received today, a copy of my final performance evaluation, so I could understand why my contract was rescinded. I really shouldn't have read it before bed, because of course I couldn't sleep afterwards.
I have never seen so many lies about me! Things they said I did, and things they said I didn't do -- it's enough to make me wonder who actually wrote it.
Since it's much too late to talk about it, I took the time to write out my refutations. I will think about how to send them in, too, since it pains me greatly to think of that document as part of my file, unanswered, as if I accepted it.
It seems to me as if it were purposely written so they could get rid of me... a hatchet-job, a witch hunt, whatever you want to call it. But anyone who knew anything about my classroom practices would laugh to see some of the things they said, like I didn't enter my grades, or I didn't communicate with parents, or I didn't promote self-assessment among my students. My advice-to-parents succeeding in math letter is all about the need for self-assessment. Clearly whoever wrote that performance evaluation had very little actual knowledge of my practices, which is not surprising since it was a rare day when we had anyone from admin show up in the junior high wing. They were too busy dealing with problems elsewhere in the building, and they knew we were fine, because we are all excellent teachers, including me.
I have never seen so many lies about me! Things they said I did, and things they said I didn't do -- it's enough to make me wonder who actually wrote it.
Since it's much too late to talk about it, I took the time to write out my refutations. I will think about how to send them in, too, since it pains me greatly to think of that document as part of my file, unanswered, as if I accepted it.
It seems to me as if it were purposely written so they could get rid of me... a hatchet-job, a witch hunt, whatever you want to call it. But anyone who knew anything about my classroom practices would laugh to see some of the things they said, like I didn't enter my grades, or I didn't communicate with parents, or I didn't promote self-assessment among my students. My advice-to-parents succeeding in math letter is all about the need for self-assessment. Clearly whoever wrote that performance evaluation had very little actual knowledge of my practices, which is not surprising since it was a rare day when we had anyone from admin show up in the junior high wing. They were too busy dealing with problems elsewhere in the building, and they knew we were fine, because we are all excellent teachers, including me.
Friday, June 02, 2017
reject
In light of recent events, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on job boards and recruiting websites and all that. I have an interview set for next Thursday for a job I actually want, too. I feel a little better knowing that's coming.
On the other hand, I had a screening interview today for another job that I might actually want (the commute is a challenge) and was faced with having to discuss why I'm even looking for a job right now. I wasn't exactly prepared for the question, although I should have been.
So I was completely honest and probably talked myself out of that job, even though I won't be teaching math. The math scores did it, apparently, but why anyone was surprised about those math scores, I'll never know. They were completely consistent with the work my students did all year, in spite of my best efforts. It is not possible for an average student to learn math without actually doing math, and the vast majority of my students treated homework as if it were optional. Which is why most of them failed math the entire year.
So I was asked, what did I do about it? I offered tutoring multiple days a week. I found online tools so they could bring their math facts up to where they needed to be. I found other free, online resources and assigned adaptive practice to address specific skills gaps. I gave out countless worksheets and packets to do the same. Grades did come up, but when you are starting in the 20-30% range (or lower), even an increase of 20-30% is still not going to get you to passing. So I said most of that, to what effect, I have no idea. The call ended with the recruiter letting me know they would contact me if I was still a candidate after they had talked to other qualified candidates.
Then I worked on an application for another school district which asked, have you ever had a contract not renewed? And I had to answer "yes", which led to another "Please explain if you had to answer 'yes' to any of these questions," most of which were horrible things like being arrested. That was a drag, and made me feel as if I'm un-employable, which I should most assuredly not be.
My thoughts take dark turns and I ponder things like, did getting my master's degree make me unemployable? Am I too expensive now? Will I ever find a place where I feel like I fit in?
The MIT degree supposedly helps, and it does open some doors, but overall I've got more flak about it than I have positive comments. "Wow, you must be really smart," isn't always a compliment, especially when it's followed by the unspoken question, "What are you doing here?"
I want my job to make a contribution that's more than economic. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I believe I can still do that, I just have to find the right place.
On the other hand, I had a screening interview today for another job that I might actually want (the commute is a challenge) and was faced with having to discuss why I'm even looking for a job right now. I wasn't exactly prepared for the question, although I should have been.
So I was completely honest and probably talked myself out of that job, even though I won't be teaching math. The math scores did it, apparently, but why anyone was surprised about those math scores, I'll never know. They were completely consistent with the work my students did all year, in spite of my best efforts. It is not possible for an average student to learn math without actually doing math, and the vast majority of my students treated homework as if it were optional. Which is why most of them failed math the entire year.
So I was asked, what did I do about it? I offered tutoring multiple days a week. I found online tools so they could bring their math facts up to where they needed to be. I found other free, online resources and assigned adaptive practice to address specific skills gaps. I gave out countless worksheets and packets to do the same. Grades did come up, but when you are starting in the 20-30% range (or lower), even an increase of 20-30% is still not going to get you to passing. So I said most of that, to what effect, I have no idea. The call ended with the recruiter letting me know they would contact me if I was still a candidate after they had talked to other qualified candidates.
Then I worked on an application for another school district which asked, have you ever had a contract not renewed? And I had to answer "yes", which led to another "Please explain if you had to answer 'yes' to any of these questions," most of which were horrible things like being arrested. That was a drag, and made me feel as if I'm un-employable, which I should most assuredly not be.
My thoughts take dark turns and I ponder things like, did getting my master's degree make me unemployable? Am I too expensive now? Will I ever find a place where I feel like I fit in?
The MIT degree supposedly helps, and it does open some doors, but overall I've got more flak about it than I have positive comments. "Wow, you must be really smart," isn't always a compliment, especially when it's followed by the unspoken question, "What are you doing here?"
I want my job to make a contribution that's more than economic. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I believe I can still do that, I just have to find the right place.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
don't quite know how to say this
This is... awkward. It's my blog, and all that.
Let's back up a bit.
DD's graduation was lovely. We went to Flancer's for dinner, just as we had done after her kindergarten graduation, because we needed to pack for Cleveland.
We left for Cleveland about 3AM, and had a lovely weekend for our niece's wedding. The travel was long but not difficult. The wedding on Sunday was lovely. Monday we went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and then to my brother-in-laws and spent the afternoon hanging out with family. Tuesday, DH took the two younger kids to Cedar Point to ride the roller coasters, while DS1 and I stayed behind and went first to Half Price Books and then to the Botanical Gardens, spending about the same amount of time in each. Then we came home today.
It was nice. Cleveland in the spring is really lovely. We had some rain but nothing dreadful. Nothing to make me think "mistake on the lake" at all, but I can imagine how hard it is in the winter, with lots of snow.
Let's back up a little bit more.
Last week of school: Monday, after school practice for the teacher dance routine we were performing on Wednesday after the talent show. Tuesday, the same. Wednesday morning, "switch day," talked to three different groups of 6th graders about what junior high math and science would be like. Wednesday afternoon, the talent show, where I was roasted by one of my students doing stand up comedy -- he was quite good. Then at the end, I did the dance routine with the other teachers, perfectly willing to be silly for the students. Thursday, field trip with the students. I spent a good part of the day talking to teachers from our other campuses who were there, so it was actually a productive day. Friday: last day of school -- all-school award ceremony, then the last Pride Day for our students, to just hang out with each other. I shopped for drinks before school, and picked up pizza for the kids. It was a half-day, and DriveLine, our end-of-the-day pickup routine, was fine, because it wasn't so late in the day and so not hot at all. I was so happy to be done!
In the evenings each night I pulled together the end-of-year stuff I had to do, documenting how I had met my personal goals, how I had communicated with parents, etc. All these little details that were required of me.
About 1PM, DD came by to bring me a passion tea lemonade from Starbucks. She was excited about getting ready for her graduation and we were talking about it when my phone rang. It was my AP saying she needed me for a quick meeting in the small conference room...
A very quick meeting in which she told me, with the district representative sitting there with her laptop, that, because of my students' low test scores, and because a parent had complained to the district about me, they had decided to rescind my contract for next year.
Of course this made no sense to me whatsoever. Wait, what? Seriously? I worked so hard, I said. I sacrificed so much. Doesn't mean a thing to them.
I turned in my badge and my keys and my walkie, and went upstairs, told my daughter. Told my co-workers, Cried. Got many hugs. Had my two boys come over to help me and my daughter pack up all my stuff and put it in the van, and the Fit.
I finally got out of there about 4:30, having sent DD home earlier to get ready . She needed to be there at 5:30. The final indignity was having to scrape the labels off the cabinets... and there were a lot of labels since there were so many cabinets. My guy C, the regular maintenance guy, helped me out by loaning me an awesome scraper, else I would've missed my daughter's graduation.
Now I have literally an entire science curriculum's worth of stuff stacked in my garage, and no job come July. Yet. I've already applied to a few places, and more jobs will become available as the summer goes on.
I wouldn't let DH or the kids talk about this while we were in Cleveland. I texted my friends at my old school, and my brothers & sisters. Everyone is just as shocked as I am -- I didn't want anyone else to be distracted by this over the weekend, which was all about the wedding. Now we're back home and I can focus on cleaning up the house for the flooring job, and getting another job.
I'm still turning this turn of events over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I honestly don't know. I'm angry and embarrassed. Shouldn't I have known this was coming? I don't see how I could have known.
But just today I remembered how, when an irrational parent attacked me at the science fair, that later came back during my performance evaluation in a negative way. That parent was completely unjustified, just as this year's parent was, but that apparently doesn't matter.
I've been thinking of all the work I won't have to do, now. That seems like a good thing, but I never minded the work. I liked the work, even if there was often too much of it.
I've also been thinking about the kind of job I want to have. I don't want to work somewhere I don't fit. I've had too many square-peg-round-hole situations. Maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher?
This is not a path I expected to be on, at this point. I was really looking forward to going back to work in late July with my team, and having way less work to do because all the prep was done this year. I told DS2 I wouldn't sign up for any classes or do anything outside of work so I would be more available for him in his last 2 years of high school. It's very doubtful at this point that I will be able to stick to that.
I'm still in shock, but mostly I'm really sad. I'm sad about all the people I won't be working with anymore. I'm sad about the students I have been forced to leave... the district made a liar out of me, because I told them I'd be back next year.
All the colleagues I talked to were so encouraging, and told me I would go on to something better. We'll see. I just need to make sure my health insurance doesn't run out.
Let's back up a bit.
DD's graduation was lovely. We went to Flancer's for dinner, just as we had done after her kindergarten graduation, because we needed to pack for Cleveland.
We left for Cleveland about 3AM, and had a lovely weekend for our niece's wedding. The travel was long but not difficult. The wedding on Sunday was lovely. Monday we went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and then to my brother-in-laws and spent the afternoon hanging out with family. Tuesday, DH took the two younger kids to Cedar Point to ride the roller coasters, while DS1 and I stayed behind and went first to Half Price Books and then to the Botanical Gardens, spending about the same amount of time in each. Then we came home today.
It was nice. Cleveland in the spring is really lovely. We had some rain but nothing dreadful. Nothing to make me think "mistake on the lake" at all, but I can imagine how hard it is in the winter, with lots of snow.
Let's back up a little bit more.
Last week of school: Monday, after school practice for the teacher dance routine we were performing on Wednesday after the talent show. Tuesday, the same. Wednesday morning, "switch day," talked to three different groups of 6th graders about what junior high math and science would be like. Wednesday afternoon, the talent show, where I was roasted by one of my students doing stand up comedy -- he was quite good. Then at the end, I did the dance routine with the other teachers, perfectly willing to be silly for the students. Thursday, field trip with the students. I spent a good part of the day talking to teachers from our other campuses who were there, so it was actually a productive day. Friday: last day of school -- all-school award ceremony, then the last Pride Day for our students, to just hang out with each other. I shopped for drinks before school, and picked up pizza for the kids. It was a half-day, and DriveLine, our end-of-the-day pickup routine, was fine, because it wasn't so late in the day and so not hot at all. I was so happy to be done!
In the evenings each night I pulled together the end-of-year stuff I had to do, documenting how I had met my personal goals, how I had communicated with parents, etc. All these little details that were required of me.
About 1PM, DD came by to bring me a passion tea lemonade from Starbucks. She was excited about getting ready for her graduation and we were talking about it when my phone rang. It was my AP saying she needed me for a quick meeting in the small conference room...
A very quick meeting in which she told me, with the district representative sitting there with her laptop, that, because of my students' low test scores, and because a parent had complained to the district about me, they had decided to rescind my contract for next year.
Of course this made no sense to me whatsoever. Wait, what? Seriously? I worked so hard, I said. I sacrificed so much. Doesn't mean a thing to them.
I turned in my badge and my keys and my walkie, and went upstairs, told my daughter. Told my co-workers, Cried. Got many hugs. Had my two boys come over to help me and my daughter pack up all my stuff and put it in the van, and the Fit.
I finally got out of there about 4:30, having sent DD home earlier to get ready . She needed to be there at 5:30. The final indignity was having to scrape the labels off the cabinets... and there were a lot of labels since there were so many cabinets. My guy C, the regular maintenance guy, helped me out by loaning me an awesome scraper, else I would've missed my daughter's graduation.
Now I have literally an entire science curriculum's worth of stuff stacked in my garage, and no job come July. Yet. I've already applied to a few places, and more jobs will become available as the summer goes on.
I wouldn't let DH or the kids talk about this while we were in Cleveland. I texted my friends at my old school, and my brothers & sisters. Everyone is just as shocked as I am -- I didn't want anyone else to be distracted by this over the weekend, which was all about the wedding. Now we're back home and I can focus on cleaning up the house for the flooring job, and getting another job.
I'm still turning this turn of events over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I honestly don't know. I'm angry and embarrassed. Shouldn't I have known this was coming? I don't see how I could have known.
But just today I remembered how, when an irrational parent attacked me at the science fair, that later came back during my performance evaluation in a negative way. That parent was completely unjustified, just as this year's parent was, but that apparently doesn't matter.
I've been thinking of all the work I won't have to do, now. That seems like a good thing, but I never minded the work. I liked the work, even if there was often too much of it.
I've also been thinking about the kind of job I want to have. I don't want to work somewhere I don't fit. I've had too many square-peg-round-hole situations. Maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher?
This is not a path I expected to be on, at this point. I was really looking forward to going back to work in late July with my team, and having way less work to do because all the prep was done this year. I told DS2 I wouldn't sign up for any classes or do anything outside of work so I would be more available for him in his last 2 years of high school. It's very doubtful at this point that I will be able to stick to that.
I'm still in shock, but mostly I'm really sad. I'm sad about all the people I won't be working with anymore. I'm sad about the students I have been forced to leave... the district made a liar out of me, because I told them I'd be back next year.
All the colleagues I talked to were so encouraging, and told me I would go on to something better. We'll see. I just need to make sure my health insurance doesn't run out.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
post script
After all that travelogue, I find I'm not mentioning the shadow hovering just at the edge of my vision: I so wish my mother could have been here for this weekend, especially. She was always, always encouraging me to go to back to school, and I know she would have been proud of me. Then of course yesterday was Mother's Day, which is a Hallmark Holiday, wholly manufactured, sure, but still, a day when my family would get together and "open" the summer season with a big cookout at the Cape house, year after year. That's how it was: Dad's birthday (May 4) and Mother's Day celebrated together, and Mom's birthday (June 13) and Father's Day, celebrated together. Forever. No wonder I wanted bbq yesterday...
All 7 of us siblings were actively texting each other in the morning, and I had a good talk with one of my brothers, but this is a time that feels lonely for people I'll never see again. I am more used to the feeling now. I wish I didn't have to be.
All 7 of us siblings were actively texting each other in the morning, and I had a good talk with one of my brothers, but this is a time that feels lonely for people I'll never see again. I am more used to the feeling now. I wish I didn't have to be.
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