I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades. It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.
Just couldn't get there, though. I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.
Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over. I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much. I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.
Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up. A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom. We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.
We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret. But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.
On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months. Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have. Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses. I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.
I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.
