dashed

Feeling completely squashed and not exactly sure why.

It was a good day, really. Helped a friend deal with some petty tyranny (PTO). Finally picked up the new water filters for the R/O system. Made a decent dinner. Sent off my September column, only 3 days late ("The Big Breakfast.")

The physical stuff drags me down. My hip has been excruciating lately -- piriformis flaring all the way up into sciatica. The other night my entire leg was numb and sleep was near impossible. I figured out the vicious circle: trying to tuck and keep my abs tight to stabilize my tailbone irritates the piriformis, so it spasms, giving me sciatica. I have to balance being tucked-and-tight with not screwing over my hip. Last two nights I put heat over the piriformis and that has helped.

Lump in neck: still there. Digestion: still screwed up -- it's like, can I get through today without needing immodium? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. (Today, emphatically no.) At least the immodium works. Down to 128 lbs this morning, despite ravenous late night snacking -- no doubt that's related to the digestion situation. Discovered a new bump today and I'm not sure what the heck it is but I have doctors appointments already set up. One of 'em will know what it is, if it hasn't gone away by then. Today was day 2 of the new minocyclin regimen (100 mg, 2x MWF) for the RA. I do feel a little better, hands steady at about 3 -- nothing like the other night when I'd put my hip at about 7 or 8, as in trying not to cry it hurts so much -- but am wondering if it's just placebo effect. I don't care if it is or not, I'll take it.

I wish I knew why these sudden curtains of despair fall on me like this. Is it something I'm doing, or not doing? The idea of personal responsibility with respect to physical and mental health, except in very obvious cases (don't smoke!) is a non-starter. We like to think our infirmities result from certain actions or inactions, because we want to maintain the illusion of control. If we cause our own problems, surely we can implement our own solutions, right?

Ha!