it's always the same

Or often, anyway.  Maybe not always.

I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep.  Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6.  The math is not in my favor.

At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class!  unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading.  It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it.  A tiny fraction, but still, some.

Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years.  I'm such a poser.  But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.

Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...

The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose.  So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch

I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again. 

I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?"  It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me).  What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.

Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department.  I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there.  I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me.  If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.

What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling.  It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence.  Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?

I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it. 

Always the same.  By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine.   Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.