too many mixed feelings

Generally, I love getting mail when it's not a bill. It's such a thrill to get a card or a few photos, and if I'm ever lucky enough to get an actual letter, that's a rare treat. I even enjoy browsing through catalogs -- Lord knows I get enough of them after so many years of shopping by mail and online.

But this Friday's mail brought an unexpected big fat envelope to me, from M. D. Anderson. It's an orientation package and includes the most detailed health questionaire I've ever seen. It includes a very nicely produced full-size glossy-paper brochure that gives an overview of what to expect there. It's formatted with a lot of professional photos and testimonial quotes from happy patients. All in all, it's designed to generate confidence in the decision to go to MDA, and it accomplishes that task handily.

Leafing through the brochure, I came away with the feeling,These guys really know what they're doing, and they will take good care of me.

That's the upside. The downside came quickly on the heels of that thought:Wow, my condition really must be serious if I'm going to MDA for treatment.

Well, duh, me. (smacking self upside head)

Still, I spend a lot of time telling myself that I'm fine, because I really am fine. If I weren't fine could I do everything I've been managing to get done? If I weren't fine would be my weight be a stable as it has been? (yay!) Would I be able to swim and do yoga and not need to collapse immediately thereafter? I'm out of the habit of thinking of myself as "sick" or even "recovering." In my own head, I'm already well.

Problem is, in my neck (heh), I'm not quite there yet. It is really hard when I what I want (what it seems that I actually do have) is so different from what truly is.

I'm glad to be going to MDA for treatment. I'm also starting to freak out (not hyperbole) because I have to go. I'm doing OK getting things done but I have just these past few days reverted to my old insane habit of staying up way-too-late. That's going to have to stop. I know I'm just scared that I don't have much time left, and I don't want to waste time sleeping, but that's just ridiculous. Reasonably, I could go to Houston and have surgery and maybe another round of RAI in the late fall, and those treatments would put me in remission. Or maybe they'll say,let's just keep an eye on things for now, since my Tg is really quite low.

I am perversely hoping they'll do surgery just so we can get it all out, and be done with it. I have a lump in my throat that is highly reminiscent of my original thyca. It affects my swallowing and my voice in similar ways. I got my copy of the final radiology report from June and it showed 2 spots in the right cervical chain and one in the thyroid bed or upper chest, which is slightly different from the first impressions we discussed on the day of the scan. The u/s showed a largish mass in the thyroid bed as well. So there's most likely something still going on there that's going to take a scalpel to get rid off.

So let's just cut it out and be done with it! I have a life to get on with, here! a good part of me is thinking, but then all the surgery-related phobias pop up again and I literally feel sick at the thought of going for more surgery. It's going to hurt, I think. Well, yes, of course. There could be nerve damage this time. Swallowing and speaking will be affected at least for a little while, maybe a lot longer. I know I'll feel crummy for at least few weeks. Who knows how long it will be before I can drive, or go back to swimming, and back to yoga?

Of course I know it's stupid to go through all this especially since I don't know whether I even need surgery. On the other hand (of course there is one here, too), it's kind of good to get all the anxieties out and identified so I'll have them all lined up when the word comes down that I need surgery. And if I don't need surgery, profound relief! I have to admit, though, I just can't imagine that being the outcome.

I think I'm going to ask for anti-anxiety meds if I need surgery. This is the kind of situation where anxiety is not going to help me. Having surgery is not something I need to work through emotionally. I just need to do it. If I need a little Ativan to get me through it, that wouldn't be the worst thing.