In recovery

...

Friday night I finally worked up the nerve to talk to DH about everything that was bothering me. I always feel guilty about subjecting him to this even before I start, because a lot of my issues are stupid and I've been dealing with them for years and they keep coming back. Still, it's easier for me to deal with them now and they don't constantly plague me the way they used to.

The main thing is, as I explained to DH, I feel completely betrayed by my body these days. It just doesn't work the way it's supposed to, and that's frustrating. Then there are the various fears relating to all my syndromes, plus just the psychological baggage I'm carrying around all the time because of them. Sometimes, I just wig out.

Anyway... we had a good long discussion and didn't get to bed until 2AM but it was exactly what I needed and I do feel a lot better.

Saturday, major work on DD's furniture, as I cut the moldings for the tops of benches, to hold the cushions in place. Then I saw that I had mismeasured the boards for the bottom of the cushions, they are too big... I think I will dispense with the boards all together, and just finish the cushions nicely so they can be removed. It will be OK, and probably easier in the long run.

Saturday evening we went to Rainforest Cafe and then to Dairy Queen for desert. I don't think I'll go to Rainforest Cafe again. It is really pricey and I get a bit skeeved by all that stuff they have hanging on the ceiling and the walls. How do they clean it? Do they clean it? I mean, my fake plants get dusty and grimy, and there are only 5 people living in my house and we mostly keep our windows closed. At that place, they're in a mall, there's food everywhere, and hundreds of people coming and going every day. I don't want to even think about what's living up inside all those fake plants etc.

Dairy Queen was crazy because we hit it at peak desert time on Saturday night, but it was fun. I totally splurged and got a pecan mudslide, but they make it differently here than they did in Falmouth last time I got it there, anyway. In Falmouth they use the chocolate shell (dip) and hot fudge, here they use carmel sauce instead of the shell. Eh. Give me the chocolate any day. Hee! I ate it all anyway. Now, in Falmouth I can never finish my DQs because the high school and college kids who work there are ridiculously generous with the portions. Here, they are much more controlled and reasonable -- like the kids can actually finish their kids' size cones.

DS1 was textbook in his reaction to all the sugar, though. Before we even got out to the parking lot, he was really silly and giddy. Fifteen, twenty minutes later, he was crashing hard. His whole world was black, everything was horrible, several attempts at cheering him up resulted in him crying. It was astonishing. If he's going to have sugar, he has to have it closer to his dinner so he's not so affected by it. It probably didn't help that it was pretty late when we got the ice cream in the first place.

Watched Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai. Meh. It was pretty, but I don't really like being whapped over the head about how evil the US was in its dealings with the Native Americans, and then with modernizing Japan. I'm not sure how much was based on fact (I'm sure there was a Samurai uprising, I just don't know anything about it), but the post-massacre guilt that Cruise's character was suffering played better the first time when Kevin Costner did it in Dances With Wolves.

So today was no-plans day, we went out last night specifically to avoid the crowds and whatnot of Mother's Day. DH bought a basket of flowers and a cute card for me, neither of which I would've picked out myself, but that is so not the point. I know the kids helped him pick out the flowers (they are DD's favorite colors), and they were just very sweet. I managed to get up before they could make me breakfast in bed (whew), but DH offered to make me breakfast and I said no, thanks, just some coffee? His coffee always tastes better than mine... hee.

DH ended up mopping the tile today since DS1 spilled his oj at breakfast this morning, and that turned into the late morning, early afternoon project. I made the kids a picnic lunch in the playroom, they thought that was great. I made DH and I caprese salad for lunch... mmmmmm. Then I took off for the entire afternoon (got home about 5:45) to do a bunch of errands and have some peace.

I went to Target and found the perfect bookcases for the kitchen! Unbelievable, I can't believe I never noticed them before, and they were on sale, too. So I got those. I also got new beach towels to send to the Cape, I'm sick of having to scrounge around for beach towels down there. These are the humongous ones and they are really cute and were only $8.88 a piece, so I got 6. And I got a little paddling pool to send to my mom's for those days when we don't feel like going to the beach, or I have to do something at home and the kids want to splash around.

Then I went to the Mall and went to Victoria's Secret and got a new bra (gasp) to try, it seems tight around the chest but I just have to wear it and see how it goes. Also some new underwear, totally different style, they feel weird, we'll also have to see how that goes!

And then I looked in about a million different stores for some new sandals but honestly did not see anything I wanted to buy. I saw these adorable strappy green sandals with a little heel a while ago at Nordstrom's, I should've bought them then, but I was with the kids... either they don't have them anymore, or I am mis-remembering, or else I saw them and I just don't think they are so cute anymore, because I couldn't find them. I just want cute little green sandals. Sound bizarre, I know. I actually saw a pair of thongs from Liz Claiburn that had green rhinestone dragonflies on them (impossible to describe) for a very good price, and they were comfy, but I don't know about that jewelry... could get very hot if worn out in the sun here. I wouldn't want to get burned by my sandals. Maybe I will check back later in the week and get them if they are still there, they were very cute... sheesh.

I've come to the conclusion that the world is full of hideous and expensive clothes. Seriously, skirts cut to fit to the hip, and then flare, so that every one looks like they have huge thighs... what is with that? I went up to the sportswear dept at Nordstrom's and almost died: a simple white cotton scoopneck t-shirt, the spitting image of the one I paid $9 for at Mervyn's, was $50! Who spends that kind of money on a white t-shirt? Not me.

Still, when I complained to DH about not wanting to spend $60 on cute sandals, he said "Well, you just might have to," and he seemed to think if I wanted to spend $60 on cute sandals I should just go right ahead and do it. Is it any wonder I love the guy?

I did un-spend about $75 at Home Depot today, returning the little power tools I thought I might use, but didn't, and now realize I won't. That was a good thing, too.

Dinner... surf & turf, plus salad. I had shrimp scampi last night at Rainforest Cafe,and they were good but I honestly thought I could match it, and I did. It was a nice dinner, but I was really grumpy by the time we sat down. I was really tired, and every single time I asked the kids to do something, they either ignored me or hassled me about it... I felt like I was constantly yelling at someone.

Then The Sopranos was about anger management, and I was kind of cracking up about it, because I may get a little loud when I'm ticked but at least I don't go off capping people. Plus that whole line, "They're your feelings, and you're entitled to them, but you don't have to act on them..." is something I'm constantly saying to my kids. Kids are the ones who need anger management the most. Something tells me none of the Soprano kids ever learned it, growing up...(yes, yes, I know these are fictional characters).

So I'm tired but it was a good day, anyway. It was a good weekend because I finally opened my mouth to say to DH, I need to talk to you, I need some help, I'm struggling here... he listened. I even did some writing, answering another question in the Mailbag. I can look back at this weekend and feel like I finally got out of that rut, I'm not stuck anymore... that's a good feeling. And now I can get to bed at a decent hour!