By this point, we all know that the lockdown, for the vast majority of the country, was never necessary, but no one in a position of power will ever admit that. I just hope we can unwind out of this quickly and get back to some sense of normalcy.
I am, again, up way too late, but I'm not even going to pretend to be sorry. I am never alone these days, and if staying up till 3am gives me a few hours of alone-time, I'll take 'em. Besides, I was super-productive for most of this too-late time. I need to unwind now or I'll just lie in bed, not sleeping.
Sleep has been terrible! My hip is bad lately, and pain makes it hard to sleep. I stretch it out and that helps but still, it hurts. Taking Tylenol is useless, taking ibuprofen helps but screws up my blood sugar, which is edging ever closer to diabetic even though I'm still fairly strict about carbs.
A few days ago, I got to sleep very late, only to be woken by the plaintive cries of a cat before 7AM (when my alarm goes off); I shut off the alarm and fell back to sleep immediately, into a horrible nightmare that shook me awake at 7:30. At least I wasn't late for work.
Besides nightmares, I'm waking up with swollen hands, hence the title of the post. What is going on? I noticed that I complained about my hands hurting a little while ago, but I also seem to recall that happened after a marathon session practicing juggling (still can't do it.) So maybe my hands only really hurt when I'm using them in unaccustomed ways? Yesterday I spent several hours tailoring and mending, which involved some close work with a stitch ripper. It didn't bother my hands at the time at all, and it never occurred to me that it would, or could. But even now, a zillion hours later, they feel stiff and sore. We'll see if they're any better tomorrow.
I wonder if going off T3 (Cytomel) is starting to have an affect. I've been off since mid-January, so it's about three and a half months. I'd think if it were going to have an affect, it would've happened before this, and generally I have an impression that I've felt physically pretty good.
I seem to be undergoing some inflammatory process. It would not be surprise me if it were depression-related, because I've been balanced on the edge of that pit for a while now. I don't allow myself to dwell on it, and I have my defenses lined up, but I'm still running, Alice-like, as fast I can just to stay in the same place.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
Not good, me
Well, it's ridiculously late and I have school in the morning.
The only thing saving me at the moment is I actually have all my assignments scheduled to post for tomorrow morning already. Yay, me!
But I finished all that close to 2 hours ago, and I don't know what kept me from going to bed straight away, but I didn't.
OK, I am shoving the cat off my lap and going to bed! Fortunately I don't have to actually speak to anyone until 2pm!
The only thing saving me at the moment is I actually have all my assignments scheduled to post for tomorrow morning already. Yay, me!
But I finished all that close to 2 hours ago, and I don't know what kept me from going to bed straight away, but I didn't.
OK, I am shoving the cat off my lap and going to bed! Fortunately I don't have to actually speak to anyone until 2pm!
Friday, April 17, 2020
weirdness, continued
This is without a doubt the oddest spring break ever.
The coronavirus lockdown is a big part of that, but on top of that, I'm furloughed this week so I'm not supposed to work.
I typically spend some part of spring break planning the rest of the year and getting caught up on grading and anything else that needed catching up, but I'm not supposed to work.
I looked it up, "not supposed to work." Admin sent an email with details that actually included the sentence, "You are not allowed to work." Legally, if you're furloughed and you do work, then your employer is obligated to pay you, which moots the whole point of the furlough in the first place. (Fortunately, the drop in income won't affect us much, especially since all three of the men are still working, and in fact DS1 got a pay bump recently.)
Consequently, I haven't worked since last Friday, although there is a rising sense of panic when I think about getting back to work on Monday.
I would like to say I've been super-productive with non-school related things, but that's simply not true. Easter was a massive undertaking and was delightful in spite of a series of minor disasters. After Easter, I've just been continuously exhausted mentally and physically. I did manage to sew face masks for the family, and for DD and her room-mates, and since the sewing machine is out, I have a stack of repairs and alterations waiting for me, too. I may get to that. But I haven't knit, and I haven't read a book, either, even though I have a series that DS2 has been asking me to start. I don't have the mental energy to devote to a huge book series right now.
Worse, my sleep is quite disturbed, and I rarely go to bed earlier than 2AM. This is the biggest red flag for me that I'm struggling with depression. I end up sleeping very late, of course, because I have no particular reason this week to do anything else. In spite of that, I'm paying strict attention to things I know I have to do or I'll just fall completely into a pit, physically and mentally: grooming, daily exercise, getting dressed (and wearing actual pants every day, not flowy skirts that would fit me even if I gained 20 pounds), praying. Cooking for the family, and trying to balance shopping with using up what we've got at home.
I have a familiar feeling of dislocation. This time feels very similar to how I felt after my contract was revoked on the last day of school back in 2017. Our lives are a construct of expectations, and when you can no longer do what you expected, then your construct is threatened. In 2017, I was able to mitigate the sense of loss by looking for a new job and applying and all that. But there isn't anything I can do except wait this "pause" out, the same as everyone else. I just hope I don't go crazy in the meantime.
Adds: I drove up to Flagstaff to deliver a lot of stuff to DD and her roommates, and it was uplifting in every sense of the word, but I still didn't get to sleep that day until 2:30AM. Also, I'm tracking some physical changes and wondering if I should make a doctor's appointment, but dragging my feet on that because I don't know if my agitated mental state is making me see and feel things that aren't there.
The coronavirus lockdown is a big part of that, but on top of that, I'm furloughed this week so I'm not supposed to work.
I typically spend some part of spring break planning the rest of the year and getting caught up on grading and anything else that needed catching up, but I'm not supposed to work.
I looked it up, "not supposed to work." Admin sent an email with details that actually included the sentence, "You are not allowed to work." Legally, if you're furloughed and you do work, then your employer is obligated to pay you, which moots the whole point of the furlough in the first place. (Fortunately, the drop in income won't affect us much, especially since all three of the men are still working, and in fact DS1 got a pay bump recently.)
Consequently, I haven't worked since last Friday, although there is a rising sense of panic when I think about getting back to work on Monday.
I would like to say I've been super-productive with non-school related things, but that's simply not true. Easter was a massive undertaking and was delightful in spite of a series of minor disasters. After Easter, I've just been continuously exhausted mentally and physically. I did manage to sew face masks for the family, and for DD and her room-mates, and since the sewing machine is out, I have a stack of repairs and alterations waiting for me, too. I may get to that. But I haven't knit, and I haven't read a book, either, even though I have a series that DS2 has been asking me to start. I don't have the mental energy to devote to a huge book series right now.
Worse, my sleep is quite disturbed, and I rarely go to bed earlier than 2AM. This is the biggest red flag for me that I'm struggling with depression. I end up sleeping very late, of course, because I have no particular reason this week to do anything else. In spite of that, I'm paying strict attention to things I know I have to do or I'll just fall completely into a pit, physically and mentally: grooming, daily exercise, getting dressed (and wearing actual pants every day, not flowy skirts that would fit me even if I gained 20 pounds), praying. Cooking for the family, and trying to balance shopping with using up what we've got at home.
I have a familiar feeling of dislocation. This time feels very similar to how I felt after my contract was revoked on the last day of school back in 2017. Our lives are a construct of expectations, and when you can no longer do what you expected, then your construct is threatened. In 2017, I was able to mitigate the sense of loss by looking for a new job and applying and all that. But there isn't anything I can do except wait this "pause" out, the same as everyone else. I just hope I don't go crazy in the meantime.
Adds: I drove up to Flagstaff to deliver a lot of stuff to DD and her roommates, and it was uplifting in every sense of the word, but I still didn't get to sleep that day until 2:30AM. Also, I'm tracking some physical changes and wondering if I should make a doctor's appointment, but dragging my feet on that because I don't know if my agitated mental state is making me see and feel things that aren't there.
Sunday, April 05, 2020
still here... where else would I be?
I've moved past depression, mostly, and I'm edging into anger.
My school has switched to distance learning through the end of the school year, and I learned Friday that we're keeping our school calendar the same. So spring break the week after Easter, thank God, but then straight through to Memorial Day with online learning.
Lord, have mercy on us.
There's a lot of grumbling among the faculty about what we're being asked to do. I am holding myself mostly about the fray. I can't let myself be bogged down by all the negativity. It boils down to one thing, really, which is I love my job and I'd like to still have it in August when the new school year starts.
I don't love how I have to do my job right now. We're being asked to continue to deliver curriculum, keep in contact with our students, and maintain our grade books essentially the same way we were when all actually met at school. There's a lot wrong with that, especially the grading part. It's very difficult to know who's doing the work or when the work will be completed. We can't penalize a student for late work because we don't know their situation, but admin insists that we put in the missing work as zeroes (tagged "missing"), because that's what we would do if were still in school.
There's also the fact that we took a snapshot of our grade books from before distance learning started, and that's more than enough grades to go on for the year. There's a non-zero chance we'll use those grades to determine promotion... which means all the grading I'm doing over these weeks is a complete waste of time.
The grumbling is centered on that point, This is ALL a waste of time! We're going to have to re-teach at the beginning of next year anyway! (We always do.) The public schools are sending home "enrichment packets" for students who need to bring their grades up. They're entirely optional. (Is that true? Really?) Some schools aren't even doing that!
None of that matters, because we're not a public school. We're a private school and we rely on tuition, even for the rest of this year. We're contracted to teach, so we should teach.
This is neither easy nor fun and it would be really nice if there were some consistency, but we go to work with what we have. Working at home has some benefits, like being able to use the bathroom whenever, and having a cat nearby to help me with my lesson planning. I miss my co-workers and my students, but I see and talk to people every day using technology that I didn't even know existed a month ago.
Times of growth and change are hard -- how appropriate that this is happening in the spring -- but the reality is this is easier than my first years of teaching were, and it's easier than that year I taught both math and science. I'm on a similar hamster wheel, though, of pulling together lesson materials every single day. The thing is, I can do it, and it's good to shake things up and make sure everything's current. And it's not all for nothing, since I can (and will) re-use a lot of the material I'm creating now for future classes.
I still fervently want all of this to be over yesterday, but I'm not letting that overwhelm or paralyze me. Onward.
My school has switched to distance learning through the end of the school year, and I learned Friday that we're keeping our school calendar the same. So spring break the week after Easter, thank God, but then straight through to Memorial Day with online learning.
Lord, have mercy on us.
There's a lot of grumbling among the faculty about what we're being asked to do. I am holding myself mostly about the fray. I can't let myself be bogged down by all the negativity. It boils down to one thing, really, which is I love my job and I'd like to still have it in August when the new school year starts.
I don't love how I have to do my job right now. We're being asked to continue to deliver curriculum, keep in contact with our students, and maintain our grade books essentially the same way we were when all actually met at school. There's a lot wrong with that, especially the grading part. It's very difficult to know who's doing the work or when the work will be completed. We can't penalize a student for late work because we don't know their situation, but admin insists that we put in the missing work as zeroes (tagged "missing"), because that's what we would do if were still in school.
There's also the fact that we took a snapshot of our grade books from before distance learning started, and that's more than enough grades to go on for the year. There's a non-zero chance we'll use those grades to determine promotion... which means all the grading I'm doing over these weeks is a complete waste of time.
The grumbling is centered on that point, This is ALL a waste of time! We're going to have to re-teach at the beginning of next year anyway! (We always do.) The public schools are sending home "enrichment packets" for students who need to bring their grades up. They're entirely optional. (Is that true? Really?) Some schools aren't even doing that!
None of that matters, because we're not a public school. We're a private school and we rely on tuition, even for the rest of this year. We're contracted to teach, so we should teach.
This is neither easy nor fun and it would be really nice if there were some consistency, but we go to work with what we have. Working at home has some benefits, like being able to use the bathroom whenever, and having a cat nearby to help me with my lesson planning. I miss my co-workers and my students, but I see and talk to people every day using technology that I didn't even know existed a month ago.
Times of growth and change are hard -- how appropriate that this is happening in the spring -- but the reality is this is easier than my first years of teaching were, and it's easier than that year I taught both math and science. I'm on a similar hamster wheel, though, of pulling together lesson materials every single day. The thing is, I can do it, and it's good to shake things up and make sure everything's current. And it's not all for nothing, since I can (and will) re-use a lot of the material I'm creating now for future classes.
I still fervently want all of this to be over yesterday, but I'm not letting that overwhelm or paralyze me. Onward.
Monday, March 30, 2020
too many triggers
I tried to plan my lessons for the week yesterday and found it so upsetting I had to put it aside for a while. There are just so many things I'm usually doing with my students at this point in the year. We've worked hard all year, and now we're supposed to be doing the really fun stuff together, like making models of the solar system that are accurate for size and distance (that's two models, doing a combined one would be very tough!), or making wet mount slides and getting in some good time with a microscope so as to be familiar with how they work... that is certainly not going to happen.
I was so distressed because I couldn't read my students "The Microscope" that I actually made them a video. It's a minute long but it probably took me more than an hour to make. I do love the poem though. It's sweet and funny and even a little educational, and yesterday I couldn't bear the thought that my 8th graders wouldn't get to hear it. Many of them still won't hear it, of course, because there's no way I can make them actually click on it, or listen all the way through.
This week I'm taking a side tack into Cornell Notes with them. I'm not there, I have no idea what they're actually doing, so I figured I would give them more responsibility for their learning than last week. So I assigned: here's a lesson I made you on taking Notes! And here, practice taking notes from this power point. After that, take this online quiz thing, using your notes. The only thing I'm grading here is completion of the online grading thing. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, both 7th and 8th are doing "skills practice" in a new-to-me platform called iXL. It looks pretty solid and it is nicely coordinated with my lessons, so I'm not having to re-invent the wheel. Yay for not having to develop new material.
We've got slightly less than 2 weeks of school before Easter and our spring break, and then I'm hoping maybe we can be back to normal by that point or we'll extend our spring break to the beginning of May so we can all have a good cry and then actually go back to school. This is just so very, very weird and every time I think about what should be done it makes me sad because I know what I want to do but that's not at all possible right now.
And then I end up spending an hour making a one-minute video that no one will probably watch. But my heart feels better. Plus next year, when kids are absent, I'll have all this material to give them for make-up work!
***
Today was DH's birthday. I almost forgot, but remembered late yesterday when I was updating the menu. We have a weekly calendar and as I was writing in the days I stopped short. Wait a minute, the 29th?! Fortunately I remembered yesterday and could therefore actually make him his favorite dinner (chicken parmesan) and his particular favorite dessert (he really isn't a dessert guy), cheese cake. We had a nice dinner and even gave him the night off from the dishes. We tend to go low-key on celebrations these days anyway, and I think he enjoyed his day. None of the boys (including DH) seems remotely as traumatized as I'm feeling, but that might be because they are better at hiding it. I just want to cry all the time. I don't actually cry at all. It's exhausting and now I am up too late again. Perhaps after sleep I will feel better, but I am grieving this loss as though it's permanent even though I know it's temporary. I never deal well with uncertainty.
I was so distressed because I couldn't read my students "The Microscope" that I actually made them a video. It's a minute long but it probably took me more than an hour to make. I do love the poem though. It's sweet and funny and even a little educational, and yesterday I couldn't bear the thought that my 8th graders wouldn't get to hear it. Many of them still won't hear it, of course, because there's no way I can make them actually click on it, or listen all the way through.
This week I'm taking a side tack into Cornell Notes with them. I'm not there, I have no idea what they're actually doing, so I figured I would give them more responsibility for their learning than last week. So I assigned: here's a lesson I made you on taking Notes! And here, practice taking notes from this power point. After that, take this online quiz thing, using your notes. The only thing I'm grading here is completion of the online grading thing. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, both 7th and 8th are doing "skills practice" in a new-to-me platform called iXL. It looks pretty solid and it is nicely coordinated with my lessons, so I'm not having to re-invent the wheel. Yay for not having to develop new material.
We've got slightly less than 2 weeks of school before Easter and our spring break, and then I'm hoping maybe we can be back to normal by that point or we'll extend our spring break to the beginning of May so we can all have a good cry and then actually go back to school. This is just so very, very weird and every time I think about what should be done it makes me sad because I know what I want to do but that's not at all possible right now.
And then I end up spending an hour making a one-minute video that no one will probably watch. But my heart feels better. Plus next year, when kids are absent, I'll have all this material to give them for make-up work!
***
Today was DH's birthday. I almost forgot, but remembered late yesterday when I was updating the menu. We have a weekly calendar and as I was writing in the days I stopped short. Wait a minute, the 29th?! Fortunately I remembered yesterday and could therefore actually make him his favorite dinner (chicken parmesan) and his particular favorite dessert (he really isn't a dessert guy), cheese cake. We had a nice dinner and even gave him the night off from the dishes. We tend to go low-key on celebrations these days anyway, and I think he enjoyed his day. None of the boys (including DH) seems remotely as traumatized as I'm feeling, but that might be because they are better at hiding it. I just want to cry all the time. I don't actually cry at all. It's exhausting and now I am up too late again. Perhaps after sleep I will feel better, but I am grieving this loss as though it's permanent even though I know it's temporary. I never deal well with uncertainty.
The boys & I make a great team. I love them so.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
laugh to learn
Among the things my administration is insisting we do: video lessons for our students so they can have "face" time with us even if they can't attend a Zoom meeting we hold during school hours. I can't believe the amount of new technology I've absorbed and deployed in just the past few days! Today I made four little video lessons (hosted on my own [private] YouTube channel, a thing I never imagined saying before).
Here's my favorite of them -- a brief and silly-on-purpose demonstration of the difference between rotation and revolution of objects in space. I have found that truly goofy things will stick in students' brains, and I have developed a little repertoire of items over the years. I didn't want to deprive this year's 7th graders of this particular bit of goofiness on my part just because we can't be in a classroom together.
DH was my camera man, and my sweet girl kitty, who hadn't seen me all day, decided to join in:
I'm having trouble getting streaming to work, but it plays just fine on YouTube: Demo, with cat
Here's my favorite of them -- a brief and silly-on-purpose demonstration of the difference between rotation and revolution of objects in space. I have found that truly goofy things will stick in students' brains, and I have developed a little repertoire of items over the years. I didn't want to deprive this year's 7th graders of this particular bit of goofiness on my part just because we can't be in a classroom together.
DH was my camera man, and my sweet girl kitty, who hadn't seen me all day, decided to join in:
I'm having trouble getting streaming to work, but it plays just fine on YouTube: Demo, with cat
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Thing I would say if I tweeted
I'm the only person in my house who changed out of my pajamas and left the building today.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
I am not entertained.
There is a complete lack of diverting stories out on the web these days, not that I have time for them anyway.
I spent all weekend paralyzed and obsessively following the news, which made a little bit of sense back then because things were developing so rapidly.
Now, I'm home, moving my curriculum online and dealing with co-workers and students and admin, many of whom are just so upset that they're not thinking at all, much less thinking straight.
Everybody just needs to stop and take a breath. Pause a moment. Say a prayer, reflect, or just empty your mind, whatever, but do something so the mental hamster wheel your brain has been on for the recent past just stops, or better yet, disappears.
As with any big emotional event, I eventually suffer emotional fatigue. In this case, concern fatigue or anxiety fatigue or whatever. I can only spend so much time being keyed up before I just can't do it anymore. It's like my emotional state is a muscle pushed past it's limit. and it can't hold any more. That's where I'm at right now. It's not that I'm not worried or anxious or concerned, because I am. I just can't sustain it as my primary focus. I have too much work to do.
I have scheduled assignments for tomorrow and Thursday for my science classes, and dealing with religion class should be relatively quick; I'll do that tomorrow morning. The rest of the day is reserved for grading and entering grades, because I still haven't done that. It seems kind of stupid at this point, but these are grades from before the quarantine order, so they actually mean something, and I'm dreadfully late putting them in. Of course, I have a good excuse.
Perhaps if I get caught up on my grades, I can start a book? Dangerous territory, given my historic lack of self-discipline when it comes to reading. But I just might go there anyway. Or perhaps pick up my knitting again...that might be safer.
I spent all weekend paralyzed and obsessively following the news, which made a little bit of sense back then because things were developing so rapidly.
Now, I'm home, moving my curriculum online and dealing with co-workers and students and admin, many of whom are just so upset that they're not thinking at all, much less thinking straight.
Everybody just needs to stop and take a breath. Pause a moment. Say a prayer, reflect, or just empty your mind, whatever, but do something so the mental hamster wheel your brain has been on for the recent past just stops, or better yet, disappears.
As with any big emotional event, I eventually suffer emotional fatigue. In this case, concern fatigue or anxiety fatigue or whatever. I can only spend so much time being keyed up before I just can't do it anymore. It's like my emotional state is a muscle pushed past it's limit. and it can't hold any more. That's where I'm at right now. It's not that I'm not worried or anxious or concerned, because I am. I just can't sustain it as my primary focus. I have too much work to do.
I have scheduled assignments for tomorrow and Thursday for my science classes, and dealing with religion class should be relatively quick; I'll do that tomorrow morning. The rest of the day is reserved for grading and entering grades, because I still haven't done that. It seems kind of stupid at this point, but these are grades from before the quarantine order, so they actually mean something, and I'm dreadfully late putting them in. Of course, I have a good excuse.
Perhaps if I get caught up on my grades, I can start a book? Dangerous territory, given my historic lack of self-discipline when it comes to reading. But I just might go there anyway. Or perhaps pick up my knitting again...that might be safer.
Monday, March 16, 2020
two weeks of limbo
AZ schools are closed through March 27 to help slow the spread of COVID-19.
I've spent the last 3 days reading obsessively any little scrap of news, and texting with co-workers and family. On Friday, we were still going to open next week. This morning, we got the word we were closing for the week, but by this afternoon, that changed to two weeks.
We have a meeting set for Tuesday morning (Monday is a vacation day for us), where admin will go over what they want us to do in terms of delivering curriculum to the students for the next 2 weeks. We (the teachers) have many questions which will just have to wait until Tuesday to be answered. The chief question is, are they going to make us come to campus every day for our online "office hours" with our students? I have a horrible feeling they will, and that just makes me want to throw up my hands and utter inappropriate phrases. But maybe they won't. We'll see.
I haven't felt this unsettled by something since the election in 2008. I was able to get over that rather quickly since it basically didn't impact my personal life too much, but this is obviously a different situation. My head is spinning with lesson plans and how best to present them to the students, and weighing whether or not I should push through to finish Chemistry with my 8th graders or just back off a bit for now? I don't know.
Plus, about half the 7th graders cheated on a recent assignment by using Google to look stuff up when they were explicitly instructed not to do that, and I'm supposed to be lowering the hammer on them. I kind of feel like that is counter-productive, or at the very least not a good use of my time right now, but I'll have to discuss that with my colleagues and admin to figure out what to do.
This is certainly the weirdest break I've ever had, neither relaxing nor productive. Tomorrow I have a blood test in the morning and then I'm going on a news fast to see if I can't get through my grading (and entering the grades in the gradebook!). Shopping was surreal this weekend but we have a fridge full of food and no worries on that score. I wish I could pretend that the world hasn't lost its collective mind, but that's how it seems right now, Lord help us.
I've spent the last 3 days reading obsessively any little scrap of news, and texting with co-workers and family. On Friday, we were still going to open next week. This morning, we got the word we were closing for the week, but by this afternoon, that changed to two weeks.
We have a meeting set for Tuesday morning (Monday is a vacation day for us), where admin will go over what they want us to do in terms of delivering curriculum to the students for the next 2 weeks. We (the teachers) have many questions which will just have to wait until Tuesday to be answered. The chief question is, are they going to make us come to campus every day for our online "office hours" with our students? I have a horrible feeling they will, and that just makes me want to throw up my hands and utter inappropriate phrases. But maybe they won't. We'll see.
I haven't felt this unsettled by something since the election in 2008. I was able to get over that rather quickly since it basically didn't impact my personal life too much, but this is obviously a different situation. My head is spinning with lesson plans and how best to present them to the students, and weighing whether or not I should push through to finish Chemistry with my 8th graders or just back off a bit for now? I don't know.
Plus, about half the 7th graders cheated on a recent assignment by using Google to look stuff up when they were explicitly instructed not to do that, and I'm supposed to be lowering the hammer on them. I kind of feel like that is counter-productive, or at the very least not a good use of my time right now, but I'll have to discuss that with my colleagues and admin to figure out what to do.
This is certainly the weirdest break I've ever had, neither relaxing nor productive. Tomorrow I have a blood test in the morning and then I'm going on a news fast to see if I can't get through my grading (and entering the grades in the gradebook!). Shopping was surreal this weekend but we have a fridge full of food and no worries on that score. I wish I could pretend that the world hasn't lost its collective mind, but that's how it seems right now, Lord help us.
Saturday, March 07, 2020
another 10 days...
Wow, time is really flying here. The weather finally warmed up a little and then went straight to hot (85!) but should settle back down a bit for a while, I hope.
What else? DH and I went to a fantastic concert of the ASU Symphony last Saturday. Honestly, I was only going to check them out to see if it was worth it go later in April when they play Mahler's Symphony #2, which is my favorite symphony. The answer to that question was a resounding yes! Last week's program, from their website:
So last weekend was lovely and I was kind of sailing into this one thinking it would be nice to have another one just like last week's, but I have that pile of labs to grade, and we have nothing planned. Perhaps I can find something somewhere... Next weekend, DD will be home for her spring break, so we're thinking about the Ren Faire on Sunday, and I have off both Friday and Monday as a sort of mini-spring break (I'm skipping the professional development on Friday, it's optional, and I need the break!) Hey, maybe I'll have time to read a book? DS2 has been pestering me to start Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series while we wait for Brandon Sanderson's next Stormlight Archive book. It's either 10 or 12 volumes, but at least I know it's finished!
School has been incredibly busy: chem labs for my 8th graders. I love the curriculum, but it is a lot of literal running around, and I barely have time to breathe. One issue this year is many absent students, all of whom have to then make up the lab at some later time. I ran make up labs three days in a row during lunch this week! That was too many. From now one, only Tuesdays and and Thursdays!
Thyroid medication wise, I guess I'm OK? I'm doing well staying on top of work, although I have a pile of labs to grade this weekend -- unavoidable, they just finished them! But I have used Google Forms for two tests with essay questions and they make grading so much easier! I'm having my TA's set up the quizzes and tests for me, so all I have to do is review them for corrections and put in the point values. Then all the unambiguous questions are scored for me, and when I grade the essays, the form does all the addition for me, too. It has saved me a tremendous amount of time! I'm excited about that.
The relationship to thyroid meds may not be clear: the point is, I'm having no trouble concentrating or keeping up with my work. If anything, I'm doing better than I had in the past, and it doesn't seem like extra effort, but I'm good at deluding myself about these things, so who knows? All I know is that I'm actually able to relax more during evenings and weekends because I'm more productive when I'm at school. All that's to the good.
Not so good? My digestion is still screwed up. It has been worse, true, but it does seem to be taking forever to straighten itself out. I'm taking one Imodium every 5 days or so, so it's not like I'm surviving on medication, but it is annoying. The probiotics don't appear to have any effect, either. More not good: warmer weather has me bringing out different clothes a whole bunch of which don't fit me because I gained so much weight over the holidays (well, really, October through January). I'm slooooowly taking it off again (finally below 150! yay!) but it will be a while before I can wear the capri pants I lived in last summer.
The first half of this concert presents two thrilling new works by living American composers: the other-worldly Sinfonia for Orbiting Spheres by Missy Mazzoli (Chicago Symphony Composer-in-Residence) and a world premiere performance of a new concerto written for the ASU Symphony Orchestra and Saxophonist Christopher Creviston by Carter Pann (2016 Pulitzer Prize Finalist in Music). The concert closes with Dvorak’s joyous, Bohemian-inspired Symphony No. 8.Sunday, DS2 and I went to an educator preview lunch performance at the new-ish Medieval Times restaurant up in Scottsdale. Between the dinner (lunch) and the performance, it was close to 3 hours, and it was... I don't really know what. Weird, I guess I'd say. It reminded me of the jousting and tournaments they have at the Ren Faire without the dust and heat and sunburn that you get when you do that. (You're sitting in an air-conditioned arena, basically). Also, the 'castle' is set in 14th century Spain, and the horses are all the beautiful and extremely well-trained Spanish horses that look tiny compared to the chargers they use at the Ren Faire. In addition to the knightly contests, there's a bit of scripted goofiness (obligatory), a falcon flight, and several dressage performances showing off the horses' skills. I didn't dislike it but I didn't exactly like it, either: I can't imagine going back, but I'm still glad I went.
So last weekend was lovely and I was kind of sailing into this one thinking it would be nice to have another one just like last week's, but I have that pile of labs to grade, and we have nothing planned. Perhaps I can find something somewhere... Next weekend, DD will be home for her spring break, so we're thinking about the Ren Faire on Sunday, and I have off both Friday and Monday as a sort of mini-spring break (I'm skipping the professional development on Friday, it's optional, and I need the break!) Hey, maybe I'll have time to read a book? DS2 has been pestering me to start Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series while we wait for Brandon Sanderson's next Stormlight Archive book. It's either 10 or 12 volumes, but at least I know it's finished!
Monday, February 24, 2020
late February check-in
I'm into my second week on my newly-lowered thyroid medication dose, 88 mcg/day. This is astonishingly small, since I've also dropped the 5 mcg/day of T3 I was taking... essentially half of the dose I had been on for, oh, about 15 years.
Biggest problem so far: gastroparesis, big time. Small meals without too much fat or protein aren't too bad, but just about every dinner has me reaching for my crystallized ginger in the hope of getting my stomach working again. Fortunately I haven't noticed any reflux but the bloated, nothing's-moving feeling is yucky. And I'm still trying to get my intestines to function properly, too, but that at least seems to be getting better? Who knows.
Parent-teacher conferences were last week so the week was a blur, but it was overall really positive. I got a lot of great responses to the science fair. If it was brought up, it was in a complimentary way, which was just awesome. Still glad it's over.
Chem labs started today and I'm exhausted with all the extra running around campus! Of course it's my week to clean the teacher's lounge, too -- timing is everything. Perhaps with all the extra running around and having absolutely no appetite, I can finally lose the weight I piled on over the last few months of 2019...
Admin requested a blurb describing our proposed electives classes, requested by Friday. This is really a shame since we were hoping to dodge this particular bullet. I had the thought, What if I just don't do it?
I've already decided I want to stay, so I'm doing my best not to get too spun-up about it. We'll see how it goes. We're using a Robotics curriculum for our spring meetings, and I'll just adapt that, but I am a bit cranky about this. I would much rather do other things!
Lent starts on Wednesday, and Saturday is Leap Day. I can't believe how quickly this year is flying by.
Biggest problem so far: gastroparesis, big time. Small meals without too much fat or protein aren't too bad, but just about every dinner has me reaching for my crystallized ginger in the hope of getting my stomach working again. Fortunately I haven't noticed any reflux but the bloated, nothing's-moving feeling is yucky. And I'm still trying to get my intestines to function properly, too, but that at least seems to be getting better? Who knows.
Parent-teacher conferences were last week so the week was a blur, but it was overall really positive. I got a lot of great responses to the science fair. If it was brought up, it was in a complimentary way, which was just awesome. Still glad it's over.
Chem labs started today and I'm exhausted with all the extra running around campus! Of course it's my week to clean the teacher's lounge, too -- timing is everything. Perhaps with all the extra running around and having absolutely no appetite, I can finally lose the weight I piled on over the last few months of 2019...
Admin requested a blurb describing our proposed electives classes, requested by Friday. This is really a shame since we were hoping to dodge this particular bullet. I had the thought, What if I just don't do it?
I've already decided I want to stay, so I'm doing my best not to get too spun-up about it. We'll see how it goes. We're using a Robotics curriculum for our spring meetings, and I'll just adapt that, but I am a bit cranky about this. I would much rather do other things!
Lent starts on Wednesday, and Saturday is Leap Day. I can't believe how quickly this year is flying by.
Thursday, February 13, 2020
babies
My baby turned 19 years old today. One more year with a teen-aged offspring! How odd.
I feel surrounded by babies these days. One of my co-workers just announced she's expecting. Another has an absolutely charming 3-year-old at our preschool, and I get to see her practically every day. This afternoon, one of the school moms stopped by for something or other and she had her own adorable infant hanging off her arm. He was such a sweetie, ready to smile at everyone (well, me, anyway!).
There are no babies in my personal immediate future but I do enjoy being baby-adjacent. I get a tiny bit wistful hoping my own kids will have families of their own some day, but since not one of them has any kind of significant other on the horizon, who knows?
They all have plenty of time for that, anyway. I'll have to stick with vicarious grandbaby experiences for now.
I feel surrounded by babies these days. One of my co-workers just announced she's expecting. Another has an absolutely charming 3-year-old at our preschool, and I get to see her practically every day. This afternoon, one of the school moms stopped by for something or other and she had her own adorable infant hanging off her arm. He was such a sweetie, ready to smile at everyone (well, me, anyway!).
There are no babies in my personal immediate future but I do enjoy being baby-adjacent. I get a tiny bit wistful hoping my own kids will have families of their own some day, but since not one of them has any kind of significant other on the horizon, who knows?
They all have plenty of time for that, anyway. I'll have to stick with vicarious grandbaby experiences for now.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
checking in, again
I came down with a slight cold over the weekend, of course. Lack of sleep and too much stress will do that to a person. I won't say anything more about that for (superstitious) fear of making it worse. The real reason I'm writing is because my hands were really bothering me today, and this is the first time I can remember them feeling like this in a very long time.
I had a hard time putting on my rings this morning, and even had to wear my wedding and engagement rings on my pinkie finger for a while before the swelling went down enough so I could move them over to the proper finger.
As far as I know, the only bad stuff I ate yesterday was a very tiny bite of a brownie from the tasting station at Trader Joe's. I did a lot of driving in the afternoon, and then made dinner, but nothing else involved wheat, so I have no idea what's going on.
I'm also keeping an eye on my digestion. It's been dysfunctional for long enough that I finally broke down over the weekend and bought Imodium and a super-strength probiotic. I'm glad I did because the best cold medicine by far I've found is Mucinex, and that stuff also does a number on my intestines. I hate being on so many meds but I do have to be able to stand around a classroom and talk most of the day, and I'm grateful the meds make that possible.
I've been off the T3 for a few weeks now, so of course I'm wondering if that has something to do with the arthritic-feeling hands. Also, it rained like crazy last night and today was cold and blustery, which, if I actually had arthritis, could be enough to explain my bad hands and other creaky joints. But as far as I know, I don't have arthritis! I mean, I thought I did, for years, but then that diagnosis was amended to "allergic reaction to wheat." Plus, we've had numerous cold and blustery days this winter and none of them involved my hands feeling as bad as they do now. They've really bothered me all day. Harumph.
I had a blood test Monday afternoon and am waiting for the doctor to call in my new dosage. I missed a call from her today, but I hope I'll be able to take it when she calls tomorrow. I'd like to know what's going on. I don't feel particularly tired or brain-fogged or any of the typical hypothyroid symptoms, so I'm not going to worry about further dose-tinkering.
In other news, a long-time online friend has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Cancer sucks.
I had a hard time putting on my rings this morning, and even had to wear my wedding and engagement rings on my pinkie finger for a while before the swelling went down enough so I could move them over to the proper finger.
As far as I know, the only bad stuff I ate yesterday was a very tiny bite of a brownie from the tasting station at Trader Joe's. I did a lot of driving in the afternoon, and then made dinner, but nothing else involved wheat, so I have no idea what's going on.
I'm also keeping an eye on my digestion. It's been dysfunctional for long enough that I finally broke down over the weekend and bought Imodium and a super-strength probiotic. I'm glad I did because the best cold medicine by far I've found is Mucinex, and that stuff also does a number on my intestines. I hate being on so many meds but I do have to be able to stand around a classroom and talk most of the day, and I'm grateful the meds make that possible.
I've been off the T3 for a few weeks now, so of course I'm wondering if that has something to do with the arthritic-feeling hands. Also, it rained like crazy last night and today was cold and blustery, which, if I actually had arthritis, could be enough to explain my bad hands and other creaky joints. But as far as I know, I don't have arthritis! I mean, I thought I did, for years, but then that diagnosis was amended to "allergic reaction to wheat." Plus, we've had numerous cold and blustery days this winter and none of them involved my hands feeling as bad as they do now. They've really bothered me all day. Harumph.
I had a blood test Monday afternoon and am waiting for the doctor to call in my new dosage. I missed a call from her today, but I hope I'll be able to take it when she calls tomorrow. I'd like to know what's going on. I don't feel particularly tired or brain-fogged or any of the typical hypothyroid symptoms, so I'm not going to worry about further dose-tinkering.
In other news, a long-time online friend has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Cancer sucks.
Friday, February 07, 2020
at last!
It's always an odd feeling when a long-anticipated event draws near: the processes that brought this day about have been in progress since the apparent Dawn of Time, and now, suddenly, here it is! Weird.
I'm talking, of course, about the science fair, which kicks off in approximately 8 hours, give or take a few minutes.
I've been managing my students' work on their projects since August. It really is quite a long time!
I'm in good shape for the day, I think -- I have a map, and a key, and I've sorted out which projects the judges should look at, and I've actually graded everything except the students' log books. That in itself is a testimony to my determination, because I just didn't want to have to do any grading on the day of the fair itself! (At least not project grading... I have a couple of assignments to plow through before next week's end-of-term deadline.)
There are 64 projects this year, a full 50% increase over last year. Now I finally see why I keep getting crunched by my grading! It's a lot easier to manage the process when there are only 40-odd projects to keep track of.
I am up too late again after checking the map, typing it up, and creating the key... but mostly because I fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up until after 10, so I got a solid 2 hours in there. Off to bed now, though. It's going to be a very long day!
It will be lovely to have it over with, that's for sure.
(Apologies for all the exclamation marks in this post. They are unnecessarily ubiquitous these days but I do feel they're appropriate here!)
I'm talking, of course, about the science fair, which kicks off in approximately 8 hours, give or take a few minutes.
I've been managing my students' work on their projects since August. It really is quite a long time!
I'm in good shape for the day, I think -- I have a map, and a key, and I've sorted out which projects the judges should look at, and I've actually graded everything except the students' log books. That in itself is a testimony to my determination, because I just didn't want to have to do any grading on the day of the fair itself! (At least not project grading... I have a couple of assignments to plow through before next week's end-of-term deadline.)
There are 64 projects this year, a full 50% increase over last year. Now I finally see why I keep getting crunched by my grading! It's a lot easier to manage the process when there are only 40-odd projects to keep track of.
I am up too late again after checking the map, typing it up, and creating the key... but mostly because I fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up until after 10, so I got a solid 2 hours in there. Off to bed now, though. It's going to be a very long day!
It will be lovely to have it over with, that's for sure.
(Apologies for all the exclamation marks in this post. They are unnecessarily ubiquitous these days but I do feel they're appropriate here!)
Thursday, January 30, 2020
news: not-so-good, and more than good
I had my appointment with my wonderful endocrinologist today, Dr. A.
First, the not-so-good news: my status has been revised from "cancer free" to "indeterminate." This does not surprise me in the least, so it's not upsetting. This is partially good news, though, because this new status is the result of a new, highly sensitive test for the thyroid cancer tumor marker. This is a blood test that doesn't require any special preparation, so there's no reason, say, for a really expensive and inconvenient protocol that drags me to a hospital four days out of five prior to testing for this same thing.
Anyway, the test result should have been zero or undetectable, and instead it was 0.3. (I can't remember the units, and it doesn't really matter -- although my students would be jumping all over me if they saw me saying that! I don't let them get away with that!) Since this is a new test, I couldn't really assess whether 0.3 whatevers was something I should worry about, but Dr. A confirmed that 0.3 is indeed a very small number, and given that there is no physical evidence of disease, we're just going to do ultrasounds and blood tests every 6 months and that should do it, unless something changes. Ultrasounds are cheap and painless. Blood tests aren't that painful. Both of them are infinitely preferable to Thyrogen-stimulated RAI whole body scans, low-iodine diets, CT scans, PET/CT scans, or MRIs. I'm looking forward to a less-medicalized and much less expensive future.
Speaking of MRIs, the most recent one (last Monday), was perfect and -- here's the really good news -- I don't have to have another one for two years! Yay!
For all that I've written about it, my appointment was the smallest part of today, DS1's birthday. I don't really understand how I am old enough to have a 23-year-old, but that's the reality. We cooked his dinner together: surf and turf (strip steak cooked by DS1, scallops and shrimp by me), spicy delicata squash "fries", and salad, with brownie cake with the best chocolate frosting ever* for his birthday "cake". I was in the kitchen from just after 4 when I got home from my appointment until nearly 8 o'clock when we finished up dessert. I was wiped out afterwards but it was time so well spent!
After dinner, the boys all disappeared upstairs as they usually do, and I called DD and caught up with her for a delightful hour. She is having a great time at school. It's her second semester of junior year and she is really enjoying her classes, which include studying anthropology and the human micro-biome. I often worry about what's she's doing up there, but today she looked and sounded wonderful. (We face-timed so she could join us in singing Happy Birthday to DS1. He tolerated it well -- we sound terrible, mostly because everyone else makes no effort to sing on key!)
Good news, very good food, and wonderful family time. An excellent day.
* Best Chocolate Frosting Ever:
This recipe was hiding in my Fannie Farmer Baking Book all these years and I somehow recently discovered it: Melt 6 ounces of chocolate chips; stir in one half-cup of sour cream and a pinch of salt. That's it. Spectacular. I use Trader Joe's Pound Plus Belgian Dark Chocolate when I'm out of chocolate chips, weighing out the 6 ounces, and it's just the best. It doesn't make too much, enough to frost the top of an 8-inch cake,but that's OK. There was a little left over after frosting the brownies. (Trader Joe's Truffle Brownie mix, made with an entire stick of butter! Highly recommended.)
First, the not-so-good news: my status has been revised from "cancer free" to "indeterminate." This does not surprise me in the least, so it's not upsetting. This is partially good news, though, because this new status is the result of a new, highly sensitive test for the thyroid cancer tumor marker. This is a blood test that doesn't require any special preparation, so there's no reason, say, for a really expensive and inconvenient protocol that drags me to a hospital four days out of five prior to testing for this same thing.
Anyway, the test result should have been zero or undetectable, and instead it was 0.3. (I can't remember the units, and it doesn't really matter -- although my students would be jumping all over me if they saw me saying that! I don't let them get away with that!) Since this is a new test, I couldn't really assess whether 0.3 whatevers was something I should worry about, but Dr. A confirmed that 0.3 is indeed a very small number, and given that there is no physical evidence of disease, we're just going to do ultrasounds and blood tests every 6 months and that should do it, unless something changes. Ultrasounds are cheap and painless. Blood tests aren't that painful. Both of them are infinitely preferable to Thyrogen-stimulated RAI whole body scans, low-iodine diets, CT scans, PET/CT scans, or MRIs. I'm looking forward to a less-medicalized and much less expensive future.
Speaking of MRIs, the most recent one (last Monday), was perfect and -- here's the really good news -- I don't have to have another one for two years! Yay!
For all that I've written about it, my appointment was the smallest part of today, DS1's birthday. I don't really understand how I am old enough to have a 23-year-old, but that's the reality. We cooked his dinner together: surf and turf (strip steak cooked by DS1, scallops and shrimp by me), spicy delicata squash "fries", and salad, with brownie cake with the best chocolate frosting ever* for his birthday "cake". I was in the kitchen from just after 4 when I got home from my appointment until nearly 8 o'clock when we finished up dessert. I was wiped out afterwards but it was time so well spent!
After dinner, the boys all disappeared upstairs as they usually do, and I called DD and caught up with her for a delightful hour. She is having a great time at school. It's her second semester of junior year and she is really enjoying her classes, which include studying anthropology and the human micro-biome. I often worry about what's she's doing up there, but today she looked and sounded wonderful. (We face-timed so she could join us in singing Happy Birthday to DS1. He tolerated it well -- we sound terrible, mostly because everyone else makes no effort to sing on key!)
Good news, very good food, and wonderful family time. An excellent day.
* Best Chocolate Frosting Ever:
This recipe was hiding in my Fannie Farmer Baking Book all these years and I somehow recently discovered it: Melt 6 ounces of chocolate chips; stir in one half-cup of sour cream and a pinch of salt. That's it. Spectacular. I use Trader Joe's Pound Plus Belgian Dark Chocolate when I'm out of chocolate chips, weighing out the 6 ounces, and it's just the best. It doesn't make too much, enough to frost the top of an 8-inch cake,but that's OK. There was a little left over after frosting the brownies. (Trader Joe's Truffle Brownie mix, made with an entire stick of butter! Highly recommended.)
Monday, January 20, 2020
ow ow ow
That nice plan didn't work out... the lab had to draw six tubes of blood from the back of my hand. Not too bad, actually, but I have no idea why my doctor ordered so many blood tests.
So I just realized I could log into the patient portal and all the results would probably be posted already, and they were! Well, some of the labs, anyway. My TSH has finally budged up to 0.04, but I still have a long way to go to get to 0.5. I was wondering if my pituitary gland was just not up to the task of producing TSH anymore, but my T4 (the primary hormone that TSH is regulating) was still quite high, so that explains the low TSH. I predict another drop in my thyroid medication dose, but the official blood test for that won't be for another month.
My blood work that was posted looked fine, but my glucose is at the high end of the range. I was fasting today but they never even asked me if I was or not, and I think the range for fasting is a little tighter. It will be interesting to see what the endo says. I have been eating way more sweets over the holidays, and my weight is up alarmingly. Usually I can lay off sweets for a few days and it goes right back down, but I think the lowered thyroid dose is affecting that. Anyway: clean eating (and way less drinking of anything other than water, tea, or coffee) for the foreseeable future, lest I have to invest in buying all new pants.
The MRI was... not bad as MRIs go. It is impossible to concentrate on anything in there, so I mostly tried to pray, kept getting distracted by the loud, non-rhythmic noises, and then trying to get back to it. The worst part of the day by far was the IV placement, which took 2 tries and about a half-hour, even using the ultrasound machine. My best veins are in my left arm, of course: I'm left-handed. Now every time I go to do something I'm reminded of both the blood draw and the IV. I'm going to have some spectacular bruising.
BUT everything is apparently OK, even though I have no idea why my TSH is still so stubbornly high. I have an appointment with the endo to talk about all this next week. I'm hoping we can back way off on these fishing expeditions.
In other news: the FLL state tournament at ASU was a long, exhausting, and sort-of-fun day. The team did very well in some areas, and not so well in others, but it was a good experience for them all. And now, finally, we get a break from robotics for a while!
My students handed in their science fair project reports on Friday, but I didn't grade them this weekend. Yesterday was just too long a day and today really wiped me out. I'll grade them over the course of this week, and all should be well. I purposely didn't set the next assignment (putting together display boards) until next week, so I could have the time to grade that I need.
Last but not least, admin at school announced we are receiving another grant and will purchase all kinds of things with it, like new desks (desperately needed) and also some new technology. I'm thinking that's going to have an impact on the electives, because what good are 3D printers if they just sit there? Someone has to use them for something, and it had better not be me, since I know next to nothing about them! We'll see.
So I just realized I could log into the patient portal and all the results would probably be posted already, and they were! Well, some of the labs, anyway. My TSH has finally budged up to 0.04, but I still have a long way to go to get to 0.5. I was wondering if my pituitary gland was just not up to the task of producing TSH anymore, but my T4 (the primary hormone that TSH is regulating) was still quite high, so that explains the low TSH. I predict another drop in my thyroid medication dose, but the official blood test for that won't be for another month.
My blood work that was posted looked fine, but my glucose is at the high end of the range. I was fasting today but they never even asked me if I was or not, and I think the range for fasting is a little tighter. It will be interesting to see what the endo says. I have been eating way more sweets over the holidays, and my weight is up alarmingly. Usually I can lay off sweets for a few days and it goes right back down, but I think the lowered thyroid dose is affecting that. Anyway: clean eating (and way less drinking of anything other than water, tea, or coffee) for the foreseeable future, lest I have to invest in buying all new pants.
The MRI was... not bad as MRIs go. It is impossible to concentrate on anything in there, so I mostly tried to pray, kept getting distracted by the loud, non-rhythmic noises, and then trying to get back to it. The worst part of the day by far was the IV placement, which took 2 tries and about a half-hour, even using the ultrasound machine. My best veins are in my left arm, of course: I'm left-handed. Now every time I go to do something I'm reminded of both the blood draw and the IV. I'm going to have some spectacular bruising.
BUT everything is apparently OK, even though I have no idea why my TSH is still so stubbornly high. I have an appointment with the endo to talk about all this next week. I'm hoping we can back way off on these fishing expeditions.
In other news: the FLL state tournament at ASU was a long, exhausting, and sort-of-fun day. The team did very well in some areas, and not so well in others, but it was a good experience for them all. And now, finally, we get a break from robotics for a while!
My students handed in their science fair project reports on Friday, but I didn't grade them this weekend. Yesterday was just too long a day and today really wiped me out. I'll grade them over the course of this week, and all should be well. I purposely didn't set the next assignment (putting together display boards) until next week, so I could have the time to grade that I need.
Last but not least, admin at school announced we are receiving another grant and will purchase all kinds of things with it, like new desks (desperately needed) and also some new technology. I'm thinking that's going to have an impact on the electives, because what good are 3D printers if they just sit there? Someone has to use them for something, and it had better not be me, since I know next to nothing about them! We'll see.
Friday, January 17, 2020
not where I should be
By rights, I should be looking forward to this 3-day weekend. I mean, I just finished grading my 7th graders' not-too-wretched geology papers, and that was the last thing I had to grade before diving into grading science project reports. I actually kept up this week!
That's a minor miracle, especially since I've been off the T3 all week with no appreciable side effects. I've been feeling slightly more creaky, but that comes with the territory of, say, sitting for hours on the couch, grading on my laptop. I tweaked my right arm disposing of some old furniture some time ago, and most of the time it doesn't even hurt anymore (I just have to remember not to put any muscle into pulling with that arm, because that just makes it hurt again.) I've also somehow messed up something in my right leg; it hurts behind my knee if I keep it straight and try to touch my toes. So I don't! I've been good about keeping up with my other exercises and I think that's one reason I'm staying mobile.
The reason I was on the T3 in the first place was to try and keep a handle on the (apparent) auto-immune crap that was attacking me. I'm willing to admit now that I have no idea what was going on back then. But I can put my rings on every morning, and that was impossible 15 years ago.
Amazingly, my energy levels are fine, my focus is fine (cf. my ability to get all my grading done this week), and blessedly, my digestion is fine. Sleep... not the best, I have to admit, but not so bad, either. And I may as well finally write this one out: inner tremors seem to have increased, to about one a week, still almost always at night but I had one this evening while I was waiting in the car for DS1 to finish an errand. I'd say it was just the car, but it was off, and all the cars around me were parked and empty, and there was no one driving by. It's a very disconcerting feeling, like everything inside is shaking ever-so-slightly. It might be time for another round of research on it, since last time I didn't find anything I can remember, from which I deduce that I didn't find anything useful.
I applied for my passport this week! DH and I are planning a quick trip up to Canada this summer, but once I have a passport, all sorts of other possibilities open up...
Really I'm just feeling sorry for myself and a little bit angry about having my long weekend interrupted with a robotics tournament on Sunday and ending with a brain MRI on Monday. The nice nurses from Banner MD Anderson called me today, twice. I told the first nurse I have tiny veins so they usually need to use the ultrasound to place the IV for the MRI contrast. A couple of hours later, a second nurse called me back to suggest that, since I need labs in the morning, I go early to the lab and have a nurse there both place the IV and do the blood draw, saving me a stick.
If you have never been through anything like this, you won't realize how wonderful this small act of kindness really is. For surgery, anesthesiologists usually just give me a pediatric IV which they can place pretty easily in my wrist. But for the brain MRI, they have to infuse the contrast at a rate which the pediatric IV can't meet (it's too small for that rate of through-put), so they have to find a bigger vessel, which involves going deep. The entire process is simultaneously cool -- the technology is pretty amazing -- and painful. My blood draws have all been bad lately, too. No matter how hydrated I am the tech just says, "Let's go with the back of your hand," which hurts a disproportionate amount. But now at least on Monday they can place the IV and do the draw from there, so at least I'll be spared a little bit. I hate MRIs, though. I feel like I'm in a coffin being used for target practice -- all the clicks and bangs feel exactly like I'm being shot at. Fortunately I'm not in there for very long and I'm not (so far) the panicking type.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure to enjoy tomorrow, my only real day off. I wish I weren't so ridiculous!
That's a minor miracle, especially since I've been off the T3 all week with no appreciable side effects. I've been feeling slightly more creaky, but that comes with the territory of, say, sitting for hours on the couch, grading on my laptop. I tweaked my right arm disposing of some old furniture some time ago, and most of the time it doesn't even hurt anymore (I just have to remember not to put any muscle into pulling with that arm, because that just makes it hurt again.) I've also somehow messed up something in my right leg; it hurts behind my knee if I keep it straight and try to touch my toes. So I don't! I've been good about keeping up with my other exercises and I think that's one reason I'm staying mobile.
The reason I was on the T3 in the first place was to try and keep a handle on the (apparent) auto-immune crap that was attacking me. I'm willing to admit now that I have no idea what was going on back then. But I can put my rings on every morning, and that was impossible 15 years ago.
Amazingly, my energy levels are fine, my focus is fine (cf. my ability to get all my grading done this week), and blessedly, my digestion is fine. Sleep... not the best, I have to admit, but not so bad, either. And I may as well finally write this one out: inner tremors seem to have increased, to about one a week, still almost always at night but I had one this evening while I was waiting in the car for DS1 to finish an errand. I'd say it was just the car, but it was off, and all the cars around me were parked and empty, and there was no one driving by. It's a very disconcerting feeling, like everything inside is shaking ever-so-slightly. It might be time for another round of research on it, since last time I didn't find anything I can remember, from which I deduce that I didn't find anything useful.
I applied for my passport this week! DH and I are planning a quick trip up to Canada this summer, but once I have a passport, all sorts of other possibilities open up...
Really I'm just feeling sorry for myself and a little bit angry about having my long weekend interrupted with a robotics tournament on Sunday and ending with a brain MRI on Monday. The nice nurses from Banner MD Anderson called me today, twice. I told the first nurse I have tiny veins so they usually need to use the ultrasound to place the IV for the MRI contrast. A couple of hours later, a second nurse called me back to suggest that, since I need labs in the morning, I go early to the lab and have a nurse there both place the IV and do the blood draw, saving me a stick.
If you have never been through anything like this, you won't realize how wonderful this small act of kindness really is. For surgery, anesthesiologists usually just give me a pediatric IV which they can place pretty easily in my wrist. But for the brain MRI, they have to infuse the contrast at a rate which the pediatric IV can't meet (it's too small for that rate of through-put), so they have to find a bigger vessel, which involves going deep. The entire process is simultaneously cool -- the technology is pretty amazing -- and painful. My blood draws have all been bad lately, too. No matter how hydrated I am the tech just says, "Let's go with the back of your hand," which hurts a disproportionate amount. But now at least on Monday they can place the IV and do the draw from there, so at least I'll be spared a little bit. I hate MRIs, though. I feel like I'm in a coffin being used for target practice -- all the clicks and bangs feel exactly like I'm being shot at. Fortunately I'm not in there for very long and I'm not (so far) the panicking type.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure to enjoy tomorrow, my only real day off. I wish I weren't so ridiculous!
Monday, January 13, 2020
shocker!
For me, anyway: my T3 (Cytomel) prescription ran out and I didn't bother to refill it.
My endocrinologists have for years been trying to take me off it, and I've always resisted. I experimented a while ago - maybe 10 years ago? - with dropping it, and I didn't feel well, so I went back on it. But now my endo is trying to regulate my TSH and get it up to a more euthyroid level, and it hasn't responded at all. I think the T3 is the culprit!
We'll (maybe) find out on Monday, when I'm having labs done before my brain MRI. (sigh)
I feel OK. All systems are working reasonably well, but I did get a killer headache this afternoon and that's atypical for me.
DH and I went to Tucson to hear David Sanborn as part of the Tucson Jazz Festival last Saturday, and had a lovely and extravagant time. Lots of drinking and eating! And of course the scale is creeping up up up... perhaps my decreased thyroid meds have something to do with that?
I won't blame my meds for the fact that I have had zero self-control this past holiday season! But we're back in Ordinary Time, liturgically and otherwise, so I'll be sticking to indulgences that don't involve calories for a while. Tonight's indulgence: BB&W "Comfort" frankincense and myrrh scented candle and Moulin Rouge! helping me get through updating all my grade books!
My endocrinologists have for years been trying to take me off it, and I've always resisted. I experimented a while ago - maybe 10 years ago? - with dropping it, and I didn't feel well, so I went back on it. But now my endo is trying to regulate my TSH and get it up to a more euthyroid level, and it hasn't responded at all. I think the T3 is the culprit!
We'll (maybe) find out on Monday, when I'm having labs done before my brain MRI. (sigh)
I feel OK. All systems are working reasonably well, but I did get a killer headache this afternoon and that's atypical for me.
DH and I went to Tucson to hear David Sanborn as part of the Tucson Jazz Festival last Saturday, and had a lovely and extravagant time. Lots of drinking and eating! And of course the scale is creeping up up up... perhaps my decreased thyroid meds have something to do with that?
I won't blame my meds for the fact that I have had zero self-control this past holiday season! But we're back in Ordinary Time, liturgically and otherwise, so I'll be sticking to indulgences that don't involve calories for a while. Tonight's indulgence: BB&W "Comfort" frankincense and myrrh scented candle and Moulin Rouge! helping me get through updating all my grade books!
Thursday, January 09, 2020
been a while
I fielded a thyroid cancer support call this evening... for about 3 hours, and now my right arm/shoulder are feeling messed up. I don't really get it, because I hold the phone to my left ear, but the best I can figure is tweaked a muscle somewhere, again -- I slept on it badly over the weekend (I think) and it was bothering my on Sunday while I was doing errands, but I took some ibuprofen and it quit. Now, days later, it's back again.
Another blast from the past: I made us Quick Shrimp Diane for dinner tonight, doing the vast majority of the prep one-handed while I listened and occasionally responded to the new patient. Came out awesome, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.
I haven't been sleeping well. I think my thyroid meds are out of balance now (too much T3 for the amount of T4 I'm taking), but mostly I think I'm distressed about DD being back up at school and doing God-knows-what. She posted on Instagram about bleaching her hair again (looks cute, but she just spent literal years growing out the last bleach job...) and getting back together with her ex, and that has been giving me literal heart-ache. Her ex was not good for her, in more ways than I can count, and was a big reason that the entire family started off last year in a state of upheaval. In a brief but friendly text exchange DD tells me they're just texting "for now, we'll see," to which I responded: I have a total lack of objectivity here, but you can do MILES better. Guard your heart, sweetie.
She lol'd and said thanks, so there's that.
I feel better that we've at least acknowledged that it's happening. I hate when she hides significant parts of her life from us... she has a track record of ending up hurt from these situations. She's 21 now, but I think all the pot-smoking is prolonging her adolescence. I don't think it matters how old she is, anyway. I can't be casual about one of my children putting themselves in a perilous situation. I pray I don't have to get used to it!
Another blast from the past: I made us Quick Shrimp Diane for dinner tonight, doing the vast majority of the prep one-handed while I listened and occasionally responded to the new patient. Came out awesome, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.
I haven't been sleeping well. I think my thyroid meds are out of balance now (too much T3 for the amount of T4 I'm taking), but mostly I think I'm distressed about DD being back up at school and doing God-knows-what. She posted on Instagram about bleaching her hair again (looks cute, but she just spent literal years growing out the last bleach job...) and getting back together with her ex, and that has been giving me literal heart-ache. Her ex was not good for her, in more ways than I can count, and was a big reason that the entire family started off last year in a state of upheaval. In a brief but friendly text exchange DD tells me they're just texting "for now, we'll see," to which I responded: I have a total lack of objectivity here, but you can do MILES better. Guard your heart, sweetie.
She lol'd and said thanks, so there's that.
I feel better that we've at least acknowledged that it's happening. I hate when she hides significant parts of her life from us... she has a track record of ending up hurt from these situations. She's 21 now, but I think all the pot-smoking is prolonging her adolescence. I don't think it matters how old she is, anyway. I can't be casual about one of my children putting themselves in a perilous situation. I pray I don't have to get used to it!
Tuesday, January 07, 2020
ever-so-slightly crushed
I was finally able to overcome technical hurdles and get a message to my new endocrinologist about my perfect vision field test results: Do I still need that brain MRI that's scheduled for later this month?
The answer came back very quickly: Yes.
I'm confused about this, because I thought it was scheduled because of the VFT that went poorly a while back, so if this one was OK, we'd back off. I mean, I just had one 6 months ago, and they are really not fun.
I'm surprised how much this is upsetting me, probably because I had already settled in my mind that I wouldn't need to do it! Hmmm.
Back at school, consequently exhausted simply from being out of practice. The additional task of trying to get our young robotics team ready for the state competition isn't helping.
I'm noticing I lack emotional resilience right now. I'm trying to go-with-the-flow and not let inconsequential things upset me, but I'm not being too successful. Perhaps with more sleep? Time to give that a try.
I want to be able to enjoy all the good things that are going on in my life (like DS2 cooking a spectacular dinner tonight) but those efforts are being constantly sabotaged. I do think more and better sleep will help bolster my defenses. Here's hoping.
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