almost there

I saw my endocrinologist yesterday (well, Wednesday) and got my tumor marker results: stable, or perhaps a tiny uptick (?) to 3.5.  I'll take it, especially with the clean scan.

I discussed with her the possibility of not having a whole body scan every year, and she agreed I don't have to have one next year: Hallelujah!  I will still get Thyrogen but just the two shots and then bloodwork.

That was the good news.  Regarding my pituitary adenoma, she would like me to have another MRI.  *sigh*  I really, really hate MRIs.  It's the noise, I just feel like I'm under attack.  And of course you can't have an "open" MRI of your brain.  We'll see when that gets scheduled.  My ultrasound and follow up with Dr. S are coming up on Monday, and I was hoping that would be the end of this round of testing.

Also: diagnostic mammogram last week since the girls are painful and quite different sizes now.  No indications of anything cancer-related there, so that was good -- just a colossal waste of time doing an ultrasound even though the x-rays were perfectly normal.  That was a completely unnecessary manufactured stress.  They could have just said, your x-rays look fine, but we want to do the ultrasound anyway because of your family history, and that would have helped a lot.  But at least I don't have to do that for another year.

P/T for back and neck are slowly starting to make a difference.  I just have to build muscles again, I let everything fall to pieces last spring when I had that persistent pelvic pain.  I am looking forward to finishing up that treatment and getting back those 3-4 hours each week.  On the other hand, those hours are high-quality "me time" and I'm glad I have them!

School and grad school are holding steady so far.  So glad to be at my new school! I love my team and my students and am finally in a groove, it seems.  I did just tell my thesis adviser that I feel like all heck could break loose at any moment, and I do.  I'm just not going to worry about that until it actually happens.

good intentions

After dinner, I'm working, and I think, I'll stop at 10, do my puttering around, and get to bed at a decent hour.

What happens is this: I fall asleep before ten, wake up sometime after 11, and suddenly the necessity of going to bed at a decent hour just doesn't exist anymore.   That explains why it's nearly 2AM and I'm still up.

Hey, here's a photo of a leaf I took in Falmouth before we left:

Oak leaves don't usually get this red. 

I love how the hydrangeas morph to purple in the fall.

there & back

Went to Massachusetts, had a splendid time, did lots of work, lots of driving, lots of eating!  Not much sleep, though.

Now I'm confronting a huge amount of stuff to do, and realizing the only way I can do this is if I put myself on a strict schedule.  I'm working on it.

I have a million appointments coming up.  Not particularly happy about any of them.  We'll see how it goes.

in which I have plans

In spite of being swamped with work, or perhaps because of it, I have been making plans to do things that take hours or days that I perhaps should not be sacrificing.

I'll manage.

This weekend DH and I are taking the two boys to see HMS Pinafore at ASU's Lyric Opera.  DS2 has to do a vocal performance review, and it was on the list of approved concerts, so we're going.  It has been quite a while since I've seen a Gilbert & Sullivan operetta, but I am deeply fond of them from all my summers at the College Light Opera Company in Falmouth.  It should be a fun night out.

OK, that's just Saturday night (we'll go to mass and dinner before, so it really is half the day, it seems).  Talking with DD the other day we both got nostalgic for fall in New England, so we're going back for a few days over fall break.  DS2 surprised me by saying he'd like to come, too.  Our plan is to visit Salem and perhaps do the Freedom Trail if the weather allows, and perhaps see family if anyone is around and available.  We are all going in so many different directions these days, it's hard to say what we'll actually end up doing, but we're looking forward to having a little time away.

I do need to get myself somewhat organized before we go so I don't miss any deadlines, but I'm planning on doing my data collection (measuring mesquite trees!) for my grad school project this weekend just to get it over with.  Only five more teaching days of school before break!

made it!

Part of me wants to recap everything I did this week just so I can say, See, I did all that!  But I don't want to type it all out.  

So, yeah, I did everything I needed to for the teaching part of my job, and for the admin part of my job, except sending out an email to parents who were interested in helping out in the junior high, which I will do in the morning. (maybe)

What I didn't do is my grad school work -- a bunch of reading, another short write-up, and prep for the 9a-4p day at the zoo tomorrow.  I'm pretty excited about that, in spite of my exhaustion.  It's only 7:30-ish now.  I can get through what I need to do tonight and get a decent night's sleep, and then, well, I'm thinking it should be easier from now on.

Why? Because I won't have to spend 9+ hours driving back and forth to Phoenix, and my therapy has dropped back to twice a week which gives me back another 2 hours.  Plus we only have 8 more teaching days of school, plus a day of conferences, before fall break. 

That will be lovely.

Oh, yeah: the scan was clean, but blood work won't be back from California for 3 more weeks, so I won't get the official all-clear until then.  But that's more time I get back: I don't have to cook everything from scratch anymore.  It's remarkable what a hassle it is to make gravy when you have to make the stock, too.  Also, it is really delightful to let others prepare food for you.  DH & DD have gone to pick up our take-out sushi dinner, which I hope will be as delightful as it is when we eat in-house... I just have too much homework right now to be able to enjoy that. 

the great wave

Everyone knows this painting:

Hokusai's Great Wave off Kanagawa

I think most people focus on the wave.  I'm one of the guys in the boats.

***

Thank God I planned out my math classes because I've barely been keeping up with everything.  OK, let me backtrack a bit.  If there is nothing unusual going on, I can keep up if I am diligent, meaning I don't take any days or nights off from work.  

Of course there is always something unusual going on, some other demand on my time.  Let's see: First, I had not one but two district meetings to attend, one all-day, one only a few hours, but both required me to write up sub plans and that in itself takes hours.   

Then, DS2 received a deficiency notice in humane letters and that set off a whole chain reaction of events, ending with me attending a meeting with his teacher and the dean of the high school yesterday.  There's a novel's worth of material to explain everything, but I'll sum up by saying simply that I got upset (justifiably), there was miscommunication, and everything's good now.  And, miraculously, DS2 is no longer deficient because he is doing his work.  Part of that work has been another time-sink for me, coaching him  on his Utopia essay.  

In an effort to hold off crashing-and-burning, I'm in treatment for my neck and lower back.  Every time I go, which is three times a week, I think, "I don't have time for this," but I have to make the time.  I can't teach four classes in a row without my back screaming at me, and I've already learned stretches that magically fix that.  The neck is work in progress; somehow I've lost nearly all the curvature I'm supposed to have - 45%.  My curvature? 4%.  Yikes.  I didn't even know, of course, but that perhaps explains the numbness and tingling I was getting in my right arm: nerve entrapment.  That is so much better since I've been going, it's a miracle -- it was preventing me from sleeping, and that's not something I can afford.  So, progress.  But also a huge time sink, and I should be spending even more time on in it because I'm not doing my stretches and exercises at home much at all, and I should be spending at least a half hour a day on them.  Typing that, I think, why can't I find a half hour?  If I do, I will feel better.  It's because when I get home I have so much else to do, and when I finish that, I'm exhausted.  I think I will bump up the exercises to the top of the to-do list so they get done first.

Grad class? Excellent... but I was up way too late doing the readings, and then up way-way-too-late writing my first real assignment, which wasn't even that long. My first in-person class at the Phoenix Zoo is a week from today, and my goal there is to have completed the first assignment comments by then.  (They were due two days ago, but there is a grace period.  I feel bad that I'm starting off this way, but it is what it is.)

Another time sink has been cooking for the low iodine diet, which is mostly the same as usual except when it's not.  If we want gravy or something with a flavorful broth I have to put a lot more effort into it, because I can't just scoop out a little Better Than Bouillon to give it some depth.  I obsess over food when I'm on this diet because I feel so constrained.  Not deprived! I've been eating very well -- I just have to make every single thing, because its nigh impossible to ensure that commercially prepared food is made without iodized or sea salt. I also can't have any dairy or seafood or soy.  It's remarkable how much of my diet has at least one of those things in it.   Also, guacamole is a perfectly acceptable dinner, and Guinness makes a fine base for beef stew.

***

Now, the Great Wave: I have my Thyrogen trial this week, which means I'm driving up to Phoenix four days out of five.  I'm using my prep hours and driving up mid-day, so with any luck the traffic will be light.  But it will be stressful and exhausting, simply because I'm driving an extra hour (or more) each day, I'm being injected with synthetic TSH which always makes me feel weird, and I'm back into the cancer testing cycle.  There's no way not to be stressed!  But it's especially stressful this year because I'm taking 2 hours a day out of my available time.  I don't want to give up those 8 hours!  Hence, the feeling of impending doom.  

I created a planning document for myself so I don't forget anything.  Well, really, so I don't go crazy. I have been doing something similar each week so far just on random pieces of paper, and that gets messy and I find myself, like this week on Wednesday night at 11PM, realizing that I actually don't have the Course 3 Lesson 18 notes done, and having to type them up while struggling to keep my eyes open.  I'd love to prepare everything for the week in advance, but the reality is I usually get Monday and Tuesday done,  and then the rest of the week gets done the night before.  Eventually, when I'm out of physical therapy and all this testing nonsense is done, I will be able to get there.  I hope. 

I would like the visual metaphor for my life to be a canoe ride down a wide, gently flowing river through beautiful woods and meadows full of wildflowers, but right now, I'm off Kanagawa watching that wave come toward me, rowing for survival. 

wish I had a photo...

DS2 made garam masala while I prepped chicken for chicken masala tonight.  The herbs and spices looked and smelled heavenly while toasting in the pan on the stove, and I swear I asked him to take a photo but we didn't get one.  Next time, then -- although we have enough garam masala to last quite a while now. Cooking was a nice break from the planning I had been doing all day, and am now returning to after a little break.

I'm trying to balance work and life better this year.  In past years, whenever I've had any outstanding task, I've just willed my way through it at the expense of everything else.  This year I'm purposely looking at everything and saying, "That can wait," and so far, it has been OK.

That said, today I planned out all 3 of my math classes for the rest of the quarter, and barring surprises, I shouldn't need to touch those again.  I'm about to tackle my science classes and try for at least another few weeks out, but with the new textbooks, it's not as easy.  I love the complete lack of ambiguity in math, how the lessons follow one after the other, with predictable interval for tests and quizzes.  All I have to do is match it up against our calendar (and shuffle it around again when I lose instructional days to unexpected events...)  It's a fussy process but not difficult, and I suppose I could include less detail to make it easier if it has to change.  But the details help me stay on track in the classroom, so I kept them in.  Now with q1 planning done, the rest of the quarters will be easier, too.

Now I'm left pondering how best to make my suggestions and comments about those new science textbooks.  I have a bit of an edge after last year's failed proposal, but I'll try.  We'll see how it goes.

very quickly --

I should be showering, or making a Power Point, but I'll just post this little update.  So far I am so impressed with my students.   One of my concerns was what kind of kids we would get, but it is such a great group.  Obviously we're still at the beginning of the year and I'm sure various ugly things will raise their heads from time to time, but overall, they are the "motivated students" our mission statement talks about.

The registrar from my old campus was at our school today for the district registrars' meeting, and she popped in to visit me.  I told her without really even thinking about it that I love my new school and things are going very well (because they are!)  She said that they're very full back at the old campus -- all the classes have 35 students!  The thought of it makes me cringe.  I just don't have the energy for that.

Ironically, I'm doing about five times the prep work I had to at the old campus, but because we have so few students, it's OK.  I'm not trying to prep all those classes and grade 200 students' worth of work.  I actually love the planning and curriculum development part, so it's actually kind of a bonus.  And I love teaching the higher math classes, but the 7th grade math is a bit of a snooze.  (For me, not them.)  We'll see how this goes, but we're off to really great start.

definitely swimming in the deep end now...

Yikes, I have a lot of work!

Prepping for five different classes a day is a new experience for me.  Content-wise I'm fine, but process wise?  I can't do it without my notes & power points, and that's what's keeping me busy.

I'm a few lessons ahead in math, and I'm going to try to do some every day so I work up a reasonable buffer.  My class starts in a couple of weeks and I'm going to need to carve out some time for that!

Today I thought, why did I do this to myself?  But I do love the new school, the team is great there, and so far - one week in - the students are great, too.  Of course we'll see how it goes as we all become accustomed to each other, but so far so good, and I'm not looking for trouble.

FDoS

First day of school!

It was a great day, but I'm exhausted and praying I don't get sick.  I worked frantically the last 5 days to get both my classrooms ready, with success... but of course nothing is organized.

Fortunately I don't have to teach content this week, because my planning is not done (that's for this weekend); we're just doing policies, procedures, and practice this week.  I'm looking forward to getting back into a groove.

Meanwhile, I jumped through all the hoops and will be taking the course at the zoo, beginning in just a couple of weeks.

Off to revise last year's power point to make it relevant to the new school...

53!

How did that happen?

I have no idea where all that time went.   I certainly don't feel any older.

Today I started back to work, my pre-service days for the new school I'm helping open.   I'm starting to think I'm crazy: I'm teaching 5 subjects and I'm team lead.  On the other hand, I'll have roughly 55 students total, and that will surely help with the grading and give me time to prep all those classes.  Two aren't completely new, they're just different versions of the same material (that would be the science classes) and three are new to me, but the content is beautifully laid out for me already (that would be the math classes).

I'm up late because I finally started to hammer out my final project for my History of Science class, and I have a solid outline and a believable activity to present tomorrow in class.  I may even have time to write it up before the end of the evening.  We'll be having surf & turf at home with desserts from our favorite, Euro Cafe.  (I don't have time to bake this year, and that's OK.)

Bad news today: the PT referral I got from my urologist will not work at all for me, they are too far away and their hours are too restrictive.  I called the office to see if they could recommend anyone else.  In the meantime, I'm trying to ease back into some sort of exercise routine.  Part of me thinks if I just start doing squats and stretches again I'll be OK.  For the most part, I am.  I felt weirdly dizzy this afternoon for a little while, but it didn't last too long and hasn't returned.  The pelvic pain comes and goes but stretching does seem to help with the radiating pain, so that's good.

We'll see how it goes.

not cancer!

Of course this is great news.  I spent the last 2 weeks trying not to spin myself up into a frantic mess over this and did a pretty good job.  It helped that yesterday the kids and I went to an early matinee of Star Trek Beyond and then out for a nice lunch at Nico Heirloom Kitchen, the new restaurant in Gilbert's downtown area.  But I was still pretty nervous about this one.

The diagnosis itself surprised me, because I don't think it ever came up in any of the symptom checkers: interstitial cystitis.  I had always thought symptoms associated with IC were like those of a urinary tract infection, and that's not what's going on with me at all.   The doctor said this is usually a diagnosis of exclusion, what you get stuck with when all the tests come back negative and you're still in pain.  However, in my case, my bladder actually demonstrated the hallmark "weepy" behavior when she hyper-inflated it while I was under anesthesia, so this is not one of those "we don't know what else to say, so we'll say this," situations.

Treatment, for now, is physical therapy, just once a week for six weeks to try and strengthen my pelvic floor muscles (which are operating well from my perspective, but once again, I don't know what I don't know here.)  I've had great results with physical therapy in the past, so I'm hopeful.

pre-prep

Yes, I know the title is redundant.

I'm up now because I had a little nap, and I had a little nap because I was exhausted.  I've worked the last 3 days at my old school, even though my new school in-service doesn't start until next week.

The junior high has grown so much at my old school that they have hired more teachers, and the person they hired to teach the overflow math and science classes bailed just days before school started.  Since I will be teaching those subjects at my new school, I offered to help out.  A new teacher was hired almost immediately, and she started on Monday, but there was so much district-specific orientation to go through that the administration had me come in and teach her classes Monday through Wednesday.

This was cool for a number of reasons, the first being it was really nice to see everyone again.  It really is a great team there, and the new people they've brought on board fit right in and have the right spirit.  Since I will be team lead at the new school, it was good to get a preview of what to expect in terms of new requirements from the administration, etc, too.

It was especially cool to get some practice in teaching math.  I haven't done it before, but compared to teaching science, it's a pip: every class has the same format.  I don't have to go scrounging around the web looking for content or songs or labs, I just deliver the curriculum.  I can see how it could get boring, but I'm surprised by how much I'm looking forward to it.  It was really good to be able to practice with my old colleague right there across the hall to pester whenever I had a question.  She was very patient with me, and I really appreciated that.

Of course I am thoroughly exhausted now, and the only reason I'm up is the aforementioned nap.  I wasn't bothered by pains while at school, mostly because I was too busy, but by the time I got home in the afternoon I felt horrible.  I'm still bleeding a tiny bit, too, but not as much, and the bladder pain has almost completely subsided.  I'm glad to have had the distraction these past three days.  Now I just have to keep busy until my appointment on Friday when I find out (I hope!) what's going on with me.  I think it's ridiculous, having to wait two whole weeks for the results, but not everyone can give one-day turn-around the way they do at M. D. Anderson.  (Some part of me believes I'll be back there soon for treatment, but the rest of me is just carrying on as if that's ridiculous.  It's not quite ridiculous, or even really unlikely, but I like to think it is.)

I have that good sense of exhaustion that comes from having done good work.  Tomorrow I start (again) my last week of vacation, and I have to make calls to arrange my last content class, plus I have plans with the kids.  This is a good way to end the summer.

Flagstaff wildflowers

DD and I took off yesterday afternoon for an overnight in Flagstaff.   My Thursday class had been rescheduled, so I had the evening off, and we hiked the trail behind Little America.  It was peak wildflower season, with tiny but mighty flowers everywhere.

in-between time

I'm much more comfortable after removing the catheter on Monday.  Somewhere I have a little diatribe to deliver about that, concerning such things as taping it to my right leg, which would have made driving very uncomfortable if I'd had to do it, and taping it rather tightly, so that it was difficult for me to really pick that leg up to do anything, like, say, go upstairs.  I survived.  Now I'm just sore and my gastroparesis is back and I'm hoping that goes away soon.

I still have ten more days before I find out if anything good (or actionable) came from this process.  The only information I have is that the weird area was much more vascular than the doctor expected.  That, of course, freaks me out, because cancer cells build their own blood supply.  But there were no abnormal cells before, so I'm holding on to that, for now.

I had a break from my usual pains because I was on round-the-clock ibuprofen just so I could sit down or lay down while I had the catheter.  I'm off it now and see that the crab is still in residence, so whatever has been going on is still going on.

My school email is picking up with all sorts of start-of-the-year information, because some of our schools started pre-service today.  I don't have to go back until August 3, and that's good, because I need to get my act in gear and get my lesson plans done as much as possible -- at least spend an hour or so just changing the dates, etc.  Tomorrow afternoon I'm going back to my old school to meet the math teacher and get some help from her -- this is going to be a trip.  Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to enjoy teaching math more than science, because the science curriculum is being re-written in a way that's just a huge lost opportunity.  I'm not letting myself get involved.

I'm staying away from watching the politics and only reading a little.  I just can't go there this time.

Tomorrow: do my History of Science mid-term in the morning, visit school in the afternoon.  That class is coming to an end quickly, and I'm going to have to put together a final project for that, too.   I sense the walls closing in, so to speak: soon I'll have way too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.

Onward.

ugh

Home, post-op, with a catheter for the next 3 days.  It could be worse.

Well, here's what's worse: I won't find out anything for 2 weeks. *sigh*

vaguely discontented

I have been increasingly down this week, but I'm hoping this is my last day of feeling "off."  My surgical biopsy is tomorrow, and once that's done, I can relax, focus, and prepare for the new school year.  I hope.

My vision field test and other assorted eye tests were all fine today, good news that I just shrugged off at the time.  But it really is good news.  How many people my age need only lowest-power reading glasses ("cheaters") to be able to read easily?  I can read without them, it just takes longer.

Drinking lots so I won't be too dehydrated tomorrow.  Here's hoping.

what?

Posted yesterday that I wasn't fatigued.  Crashed at 9pm, slept past 9am, feel like I've been hit by a truck and could sleep for a week.  What did I do yesterday? It was a busy-driving day but not physically demanding.  I don't get this at all.

med stuff

Our flight home Saturday was uneventful.  The timing was such that we were able to drop off the rental car, attend mass at the airport chapel, and then have dinner at Legal Seafood before we boarded.  It was nice to have that one last New England meal before we left, but I was more than ready to come home.

Now that we are back, we're in that whirlwind of appointments and other random things that need to get done.  I am luxuriating in having so much time at home, but I'm already fighting the tendency to just sit around reading.  It seems foolish to complain about the heat, but it would be stupid to plan outdoor activities when it's 108 degrees out there.

The crab, the pelvic/lower back pain that has been my constant companion since the end of March, is much the same.  This morning I saw my GP to be cleared for surgery on Friday.  Yesterday I spent an hour just getting the paperwork from my urologist's office; it took that long to get the insurance information.  I just started a new plan year on July 1, but I think I will have met my deductible by the end of this week!  I am very lucky that we can afford for me to have all these health issues.

That paperwork included a release form which was basically terrifying.  On the upside, I don't have any of the symptoms of bladder cancer like blood in my urine, and the cytology didn't find any abnormal cells there, either.  I'm also not having fatigue, or problems with my digestion, either.  So I don't have any of the usual symptoms of really bad things, except I still have this pain.  My urologist was skeptical that what she saw in my bladder could be causing the pain I'm having, but she's going to check everything out while under anesthesia on Friday.  My biggest hope is that she can figure out what's going on.

I have been going a little crazy chasing rabbits on the internet.  There are only so many ways I can put my symptoms into the different symptom-checkers, and they all say the same things, except for the Isabella, which brings up scary things like abdominal aortic aneurysm, which is something that nearly killed my father.  But if I had that, it would have shown up on the CT scan, I think, although the lack of contrast limited what they could visualize. Other research topics: bladder wall irregularities, bladder cancer, urethral dilation, the correlation of RAI treatments and additional cancers.  All this since we've been home, and it's only Tuesday morning.

Meanwhile, my vision field test will by Thursday morning, and I'm wondering how that will go.  I've had 3 significant nose bleeds in the past month.  I had that weird occurrence last fall, but usually I never get them.  My guess is they are related to dry environments or dehydration, but that doesn't seem to fit the circumstances.

I have been really strict with myself about avoiding wheat, and it is paying off in better digestion and minimal joint pain.  If I drive for any great length of time, my hands are swollen the next morning, and I wonder if that means I really do have something going on, arthritis-wise.  But as long as I stay away from wheat, I don't wake up feeling like I've been hit but a truck, and that's a win. Trying to stay focused on the positive.

not exactly as planned, but...

Heublein Tower on Talcott Mountain

We hiked up Talcott Mountain on Monday and I still haven't recovered.  The hike up was lovely, as were the views from the top of the tower, as always on such a clear day.  Then we went a bit crazy buying stuff at their little gift shop, and DS2 headed back on his own because he was restless with us.  DH, DD and I decided to follow the blue trail down, which DD and I had done last year.  It's a side trail that's a bit more rugged and much quieter.   It was a nice hike down, except...

Trail Map

The blue and yellow trails only converge at the top, near the tower, and they pretty sharply diverge near about three-quarters of the way down the mountain.  Last year, somehow or other we found ourselves back on the yellow trail near the base, probably at the point where the Metacomet Trail turns sharply east.  We ended up on the road by the park entrance and then followed it back to the tower trail, where DS2 had been waiting patiently... for an hour.

Overall it was a lovely day, but that last hour was difficult.  Gnats kept flying into my eyes in a way that really disturbed me.  I don't recall that ever happening so many times before.  It was creepy.  Also, in that last hour, my ibuprofen wore off and I hadn't thought to bring any with me, since I didn't think we'd be gone that long.  Of course the crab woke up and has basically been tormenting me ever since.  I've been up early the past two days not because I don't want to sleep any more, but because my ibuprofen has worn off and the pain wakes me up.

DH has taken the kids tubing on the Farmington River, but I declined because I don't want to sit in an inner tube for 2 hours, even if it's just nicely floating down the river most of the time.  Having to be stuck somewhere for 2 hours any where does not sound fun to me right now.  I have homework to do for my history of science class, which I will do when I finish this post.  I'm finished with my philosophy of biology class, having written a nearly-five page reflection on the need, value, and importance of philosophical considerations of biology.  I wasn't thrilled with the paper but at least it is done, and now I only have one class to manage, and this one will be over in a month's time, too.

I'm glad I went on the hike, even if all that unaccustomed exertion is what put me in my current sorry state, where even with the ibuprofen I still have considerable pain.  We'll be home Saturday, and I have appointments already lined up to pursue a diagnosis.   In the meantime, it's lovely to be here where it's so green.

DD at the top of  Talcott Mtn

Gorgeous 4th of July Sunset at Bloom Hill Farm